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'I finally got to see the Hogwarts dining hall' - Yale supplement


cicijolee 5 / 19 4  
Dec 30, 2013   #1
Worried that my first essay isn't that good since I'm basically relating Hogwarts and Yale (you'll see) and also its hard to come up with answers for the really short questions! Any opinions there appreciated :)

What in particular about Yale has influenced your decision to apply?

I peered into the dining hall, and excitement and happiness muddled my head. I turned to grin so broadly at my parents that later my cheeks hurt. This was the moment I finally got to see the Hogwarts dining hall come to life.

When I looked through the doors, I could even imagine the floating candles as if they were actually there. The residency areas held the same enchanting aura for me. That magical feeling I got while walking around campus is the reason why I was first attracted to Yale and also why I'm applying now.

a. You have been granted a free weekend next month. How will you spend it?
I would go to the zoo with my grandmother, a promise I made back in elementary school but still haven't been able to keep, and also take a nature walk to take pictures with my DSLR camera.

b. What is something about which you have changed your mind in the last three years?
I used to hate running. I sometimes ran with my mom just to see if I disliked it any less. It wasn't until recently that I finally understood how some people can like that monotonous, heart-racing activity.

c. What is the best piece of advice you have received while in high school?
Everybody makes mistakes, but if you learn from them, you'll be a better person.

d. What do you wish you were better at being or doing?
I wish I was better at singing. Even though I play an instrument, it doesn't mean my mouth can do the same thing.

e. What is a learning experience, in or out of the classroom, that has had a significant impact on you?
Being chosen as concertmistress for an orchestra gave me the chance to experience being the leader rather than a follower. I learned what it was like to have people look up to you and depend on your skills to be an example for everyone else.

In this essay, please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application, or on something about which you would like to say more. You may write about anything-from personal experiences or interests to intellectual pursuits.

His name was Peter and he was 54 years old. He had been a good student, but because his parents were poor, he had to work instead of going to college. Peter wouldn't mention why he was now on the streets but he had such an optimistic attitude that it ceased to matter. His booming laugh made me feel at ease, and as we played the board game "Sorry", his exclamations of "No you didn't!" and "I'm coming for you now" made me laugh too.

I was on the annual Urban Challenge Club Thanksgiving trip at a non-profit organization that acted as a homeless shelter in Camden, NJ. We were ready to head home after packing more than sixty boxes with donated Thanksgiving food when one of the managers asked if we would like to provide company to the people who were upstairs in the shelter. The thought of going home was tempting, but because it was the better thing to do, we agreed to spend some more time at the shelter.

Peter was the one who shouted, "Here, I'll play with y'all!" when my friend and I asked who wanted to play a board game. I was surprised by his optimistic and happy personality since his life seemed so grim. I had always felt a disconnection between myself and those living on the streets in Philly or Camden, those cities being the closest to me. I had seen and tried to understand, but never had I talked to someone from what seemed to be the other side of the world. Peter, however, showed me how that world was not as far as I thought. I could still talk and laugh with him as though he were my neighbor, and for a couple of hours we both forgot how different our lives were.

As we left the shelter and drove towards Moorestown, our sheltered, well-off town, I realized people can always connect with other people, no matter how different they seem. I had learned to look past my differences and was rewarded with the inspiration I gained from Peter's life and stories. Everyone has connections and similarities with others; we just have to reach out and lend an ear to find them.
badra100 - / 9  
Dec 30, 2013   #2
Referring to the essay prompt on the Yale Supplement that asks for an additional 500-word essay on a topic of the applicant's choice.
classof18 1 / 2  
Dec 30, 2013   #3
For the first prompt, the terms "enchanting" and "magical" are a little vague. What about Yale makes it enchanting? Anything specific that led you to think the place felt magical? :)
OP cicijolee 5 / 19 4  
Dec 30, 2013   #4
classof18
I refer to the dining hall looking like the one I imagine to be at Hogwarts and the residential areas that are all green compared to the outside city. Is that not enough to back up "enchanting" and "magical"? Should I use different adjectives? Thanks
boston1002 2 / 19 3  
Dec 30, 2013   #5
For part e. I like your concertmistress example but everyone will play the leader not follower card. I think you can do better than this. :) Try to make it really unique. I know it's a small part of your supplement but you never know.
quanny 9 / 36 2  
Dec 30, 2013   #6
i would say ur reason is a bit shallow...although u write it really nicely. I can feel your passion, but it would be great if you can say something more meaningful. other than that, everything seems great
OP cicijolee 5 / 19 4  
Dec 31, 2013   #7
boston1002
thank you, I'll try to see what I can come up with :)

quanny
thanks, do you think I should just try to add something on top of all of that? Or should I just scrap it all?

I've updated my first essay to end with "That magical feeling I got while walking around campus is the reason why I was first attracted to Yale and also why I can't get Yale out of my head." Does that help at all you think? or should I say "partly why"?
boston1002 2 / 19 3  
Dec 31, 2013   #8
You should elaborate more about the part with Peter. Peter sees no pigment on your skin or anything that separates you. Peter sees you, a friend. By the way, Peter sounds like a swell guy. Made me tear up a little reading that part. I love helping people like that. I think you have a really good chance of getting in with that personal response.
OP cicijolee 5 / 19 4  
Dec 31, 2013   #9
Thanks! You make me feel so much better about all of these college essay xD

UPDATES
part e:
Being chosen as concertmistress for an orchestra taught me that it was okay to be different from "other concertmasters" and that different can actually be better and more likeable.

and for personal experience essay, I just added a few lines in the last paragraph:
As we left the shelter and drove towards Moorestown, our sheltered, well-off town, I realized people can always connect with other people, no matter how different they seem. I had learned to look past my differences and was rewarded with the inspiration I gained from Peter's life and stories. As much as I had learned from Peter, I also felt his need for me, someone to communicate with and share stories about his life, failures, and successes. Rather than seeing me as another volunteer, he saw me as a friend, a confident, and simply a young girl that he could talk to. Everyone has connections and similarities with others; we just have to reach out and lend an ear to find them.
boston1002 2 / 19 3  
Dec 31, 2013   #10
Awesome! I love it. Good luck :)
thenewdude 13 / 59  
Dec 31, 2013   #11
cicijolee

Being chosen as concertmistress for an orchestra taught me that it was okay to be different from "other concertmasters" and that different can actually be better and more likeable. --- Being chosen as concertmistress for an orchestra taught me that it was okay to be different from "other concertmasters" and that "different" can actually be better and more likable. (put different in double inverted commas, and check the spelling of likable)

"That magical feeling I got while walking around campus is the reason why I was first attracted to Yale and also why I can't get Yale out of my head." ---

"That magical feeling I got while walking around campus is the reason I was first attracted to Yale, and the reason I can't get Yale out of my head."

Rather than seeing me as another volunteer, he saw me as a friend, a confident, and simply a young girl that he could talk to. --- Rather than seeing me as another volunteer, he saw me as a friend, a confidant, and simply a young girl that he could talk to. (confidant, not confident)

I wish I was better at singing. Even though I play an instrument, it doesn't mean my mouth can do the same thing. --- your mouth DOES play the instrument! I feel what you are trying to say here, but your sentence structure is a bit skewed. Consider revising.

Peter wouldn't mention why he was now on the streets ---- Peter wouldn't mention how he came to live on the streets

I was on the annual Urban Challenge Club Thanksgiving trip at a --- I was on the annual Urban Challenge Club Thanksgiving trip, at a

Everyone has connections and similarities with others; we just have to reach out and lend an ear to find them. --- when you say 'lend an ear', you mean you have to LISTEN to someone. if that is indeed your intended motive, say 'everyone has stories to share'. else, you could say 'Everyone has connections and similarities with others; all it requires on our part is an effort to reach out and find them.'

I hope I was helpful! Will critique your other essay in a bit.

Could you also read and comment on my Lafayette essay?
OP cicijolee 5 / 19 4  
Dec 31, 2013   #12
thenewdude

thanks! Do you think you can look over my Upenn essay? And already looked over your lafayette essay (:

and I was referring to playing the violin but I get what you mean

UPDATE:
That magical feeling I got while walking around campus is the reason why I was attracted to Yale and why it is still unforgettable.

I wish I was better at singing because, even though I play the violin, I'll be able to have an instrument (my voice) wherever I go.


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