It's probably not so good, but here it goes!
Prompt:
1. Given your NYU campuses of interest - whether they are your primary and alternate home campuses of interest or where you would like to study away while you are a student - where, exactly, would you like to study at NYU - and why?
2. Whether you are undecided or you have a definitive plan of study in mind, what are your academic interests and how do you plan to explore them at NYU?
Excitement filled the air as I embarked on a ride to visit the Polytechnic Institute of NYU in Brooklyn for an admissions and financial aid workshop. Dozing off slightly on the train, I struggled to visualize the campus, being bombarded with obscure images and conceptualizations of the university. Face-to-face with NYU-Poly's building, electrical impulses rushed throughout my body and grabbed my attention with its appealing glass facade. Enthusiasm accumulated as I advanced closer towards the entrance. I entered the building and noticed its sophisticated design, tantamount to a futuristic world that I would only anticipate in movies. Upon my arrival, a welcoming student ambassador of the school escorted me to where all the prospective students gathered. All the college-bound juniors and seniors settled in the auditorium and obtained a short yet informative overview of the college.
Shortly thereafter, students were separated within groups for tours around the school. As I walked around, mesmerized by the extent of creativity expected by the institution, I realized the endless possibilities of achieving success that I would have at the tip of my fingers. Alumni freely expressed that in the General Engineering program, they were expected to design projects that solved real world problems. One of the student's developed a preliminary model of a train sensory system that automatically triggers safety measures to avoid accidents. At that point, I realized that creative thinking is the basis of NYU's coursework beginning freshman year. The expansive thought-provoking programs such as the Integrated Digital Media at the Polytechnic School of Engineering of NYU, allows students to experiment and use the newest technology.
During my elementary school years I was always enthusiastic about using computers in technology class. As I started ninth grade in middle school, computer class became the fundamentals for my interest. Learning about languages that constitute websites, such as HTML and CSS, I grasped information quickly and deeply concentrated on understanding them. Captivated by what I was learning in ninth grade I knew that I acquired a passion. At the start of tenth grade, I learned the languages myself and created my own website after being infuriated by the removal of Technology from my courses. Seemingly unrelated, I joined a club during the summer called Recycle-A-Bicycle where I needed to know the basics of a bike to solve problems. Applying knowledge of both computers and bicycles I dreamt of a product that would revolutionize the connection with bicycles and computers with the establishment of an application on many operating platforms. Poly embodies a comprehensive computer science program encompassing a variety of topics to study including cybersecurity, internet and computer networks, and building systems software just to name a few. I can immerse myself to many internship opportunities and hands-on experiences at technological companies, such as Tumblr, Vimeo and Google. Alongside the strong engineering academics are ways to engage in abundant activities and clubs that I will involve myself in ranging from faith-based to academic organizations.
Hi, I liked your essay, but you should try to vary your sentence structure a little. For example you say. "Captivated by what I was learning in ninth grade I knew that I acquired a passion. At the start of tenth grade, I learned the languages myself and created my own website after being infuriated by the removal of Technology from my courses ."
You can perhaps change it to:
I was entranced. So much so that by the end of ninth grade I had learned the languages and created my own website.
You don't want all your sentences to be too long.
Other than that, I could really sense your enthusiasm throughout the essay.
Excitement filled the air as I embarked on a ride to visit the Polytechnic Institute of NYU in Brooklyn for an admissions and financial aid workshop. Dozing off slightly on the train, I struggled to visualize the campus, being bombarded with obscure images and conceptualizations of the university
I especially liked this part. It makes the essay more personal.
Hi, yeah I understand what you mean, too many long sentences can bore the person reading the essay. Just one question, do you think the essay answers both questions or do I still need to answer them? Thank you for your help!
