"Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story."
"Negaraku, Tanah Tumpah-nya Darahku..." The National Anthem of Malaysia rang through the whole school as the primary students sang along during the monday morning assembly. As the song progressed, the flag rose up awkwardly, creating a squeaking sound every movement it makes, telling the school that it deserves an overdue maintenance. Unlike the ideal view of the flag waving in the air, which arouses the patriotic feeling, the Malaysia flag hanged low, unsusceptible from the wind. The normal procedure went on, as the head prefect led the school in the "Rukun Negara", the Malaysian declaration of national philosophy, before handing it to the headmaster to give his weekly speech. The 7-year old first year in my class yawn and started to chatter away, unfazed by the principal's appearance, until something out-of-the-ordinary happened.
The speech ended earlier than usual, and a few students started going up to the podium. The first year students were confused, as they never experienced such an event. "And now, we would like to present the 2nd place MSSPP (State-level Competition) medal to Julian Tan for his excellence performance in tennis. Julian took a step forward and shook the principal's hand. The principal then placed the medal around his neck. For the first time, the whole assembly was quiet as they stopped in awe, thinking, "What an honor. I wish I could be in his shoes." This event inspired me to become like him, to be able to stand on the podium, and to bring pride to the school, to my alma mater.
Ever since that day, I wanted to bring pride to the school. I started assessing my talents. I was raised up like a stereotypical Asian child; I learnt the piano and the guitar, attended tennis and football trainings, and I believed I could write and speak fluently. With these talents of mine, I decided to hone it further to bring pride to the school.
Within a span of 4 years, I had achieved my goal. I was the youngest student to represent the school in both Public Speaking (called Pidato in Malaysia) and debate, consistently winning top 3. I represented the school in the State-level Tennis competition, where I won 4th and 2nd place. I was coached by Julian Tan, my role-mode. I represented Penang, my State, in three National level Abacus Competitions, managing to secure top 10 in all the competition. I also did piano recitals during special events in my school. I was contented with my school life then. However, my life soon took a turn.
At the end of Primary 4, my parents decided to move me to the school I'm currently in, EQ Educare, since they plan to send me to America. I was against their decision at first, but I finally complied with their decision. Though I easily adapted to this school's education system, I was ticked off with one thing- The school I'm in does not have the license to send students for State-level competitions. The reputation I built up in St. Xaviers and hoped to continue on in this school shattered. I couldn't even showcase my talents since this school did not even have clubs. Due to this, the colorful and exciting life I had soon became dull.
One day, I was surfing through Facebook posts when I found a status saying, "If you can't find happiness, then just create your own". This quote fit into my situation perfectly. It made me think. If I can't join clubs, why not create them? After that day, I started hosting a public speaking and debate session in school. I helped the debaters to hone their skills on preparation, speaking in public, and how to think fast to interject their adversary's points.
It was not until I became Student Council President when I could make the magic happen. I started the club system with the most generic clubs; Public Speaking, Editorial, Music and Art Club. I became the Chief Editor of the Editorial Club, and a member of the music club. I helped organized several friendly soccer matches and even managed to attend a State-Level Captain Ball competition. I also started teaching those who needs help in their studies. The colors that had left my life returned, and I felt a bigger sense of satisfaction from this.
Indeed, life isn't always going to be an uphill battle. Sometimes, life may give us lemons. We can either choose to be sour, or just make some lemonade with it. If you can't find happiness, then just create your own.
Max, this is a really interesting story of character development on your part. It really offers an insight into the way that you have developed your social skills, talents, and leadership abilities to its fullest. Overall, you made sure to let the reviewer know that you embodied the prompt requirements from Point A to Point B. While I will not fault your essay content wise, I will however, call your attention to some unclear paragraphs and grammar corrections for the betterment of your work. Please note them as follows:
Par. 1:
- Please do your best to shorten the paragraph. This is a very long introduction that does not really present the importance of the event in such a manner that will hold the interest of the reviewer. It would be best if you just combine the flag ceremony with paragraph 2. That way you can simply say that an important, life changing event happened to you during one flag raising ceremony.That will better capture the interest of the reviewer.
Par. 2:
Julian Tan for his excellenTce performance in tennis.
PAR.3:
Ever since that day, I HAD wanted to bring pride to the school. I started assessing my talents. I was raised up like a stereotypical Asian child; I learnt ED the piano and the guitar, attended tennis and football trainings ,
and I believed I could write and speak fluently. - In what language? Be specific.
With these talents of mine, I decided to hone it I DECIDED TO FURTHER HONE MY TALENTS SO THAT I COULD further to bring pride
Par. 4:
consistently winning PLACING IN THE top 3. I represented the school in the State-level Tennis competition, where I won 4th and 2nd place. I AND was coached by Julian Tan,
managing to secure A top 10 SLOT in all the competitionS.
I was contented with my school life then.
Par. 5:
since they HAVE planS to send me to America. I was against their decision at first, but I finally complied ACCEPTED with their decision. I was ticked off with BY one thing-
to send students for TO State-level competitions.
hoped to continue on in this school shattered.
Par.6:
After that day, I ACQUIRED THE SCHOOL PERMISSION TO started hosting a public speaking and debate session in school. I helped the debaters to hone their skills on IN preparation, speaking in public, and how to think fast to interject DEFLECT their adversary's points.
Par. 7:
It was not until I became Student Council President when THAT I could make the magic happen.THROUGH COORDINATION WITH SCHOOL AUTHORITIES, I started the club system with the most generic clubs
and I BECAME a member of the music club. I helped organized several friendly soccer matches
I also started teaching those who needs ED help in their studies.
Par.8:
Indeed, life isn't always going to be an uphill battle. Sometimes, life may give us lemons. We can either choose to be sour, or just make some lemonade with it. If you can't find happiness, then just create your own.
-The uphill battle does not really fit in well with the lemons reference so leave it out.
Hi Max, I'd like to share my thoughts.
2nd paragraph
- medal to Julian Tan for his excellenceexcellent performance in tennis.
3rd paragraph
- Ever sinceFrom that day,
- I was raised up like a stereotypical Asian child;, I learnt the piano
- and I believed I could write and speak fluently.
- WithArmed with these talents of mine ,
4th paragraph
- I was coached by Julian Tan, my role-model .
- I was contented with my school life then .
- However, my life soon took a turn.
Max, this are my initial remarks on your essay.
I'll get back to you for the rest of the essay.
5th paragraph
- At the end of my Primary 4,
- my parents decided to move me to the school I'm currently in,from EQ Educare,
- sinceas they plan to send me to America.
- Due to this,T he colorful and exciting life I had soon became dull.
6th paragraph
- It made me think. If, if I can't join clubs, why not create them?
- I helped the debatersparticipants to hone their skills on preparation,
7th paragraph
- It was not until I became the Student Council President
- The colors that had left my life returned,I brought the color back into my life and I felt
- a bigger sense of satisfaction from this .
8th paragraph
- We can either choose to be sour, or just make some lemonade with it.
- If you can't find happiness, then just create your ownone .
Max, as what one of the books I read says, "life is a matter of choice", the moment you wake up, you have total power of your day and how it will turn out. Indeed, if you can't find happiness, create one.
Your essay ended very good, in the sense of the ideas that you put into the essay, however, the remarks I made is for you to delete unnecessary words that complicates the essay.
