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'Finding a cure to a genetic disease such as ALD was legendary to me'; UPENN Supplement


moogle123 1 / 1 1  
Sep 15, 2014   #1
I know its not to great, but can I get some feedback on how I should fix this?

Each day, I find myself inspired by so many people, but no one compares to Augusto and Michaela Odone. Two parents intellectually gifted and caring, saved their son conducting what I might call the most remarkable research done in the century. Finding a cure to a genetic disease such as ALD was legendary to me and after learning of that, I've never stopped dreaming of changing the world .

As a current senior in high school ready to attend college, I don't believe there's any school better for me than the University of Pennsylvania. As the first University in the United States, Penn's principles of inclusion, innovation, and impact mark the progress and success of a diligent, caring, and diverse community. The various classes available to undergraduate students are outstanding. As a prospective physician, I intend to major in biology; while also, acquired with a deep passion for human ancestry, I plan to major in Anthropology as well. Many schools lack an Anthropology Program and it is one of the many things that sets Penn apart from other schools and value it's essential opportunities.

While academically vigourous and challenging, I want to aid a professor in their work and learn more about what It means to take part in research, or to study abroad for a semester and see part of the world I could never imagine. Specifically, Penn's relationship with the University of Edinburgh in Scotland amazes me as students receive opportunities to study in its biology and genetics programs. Genetics has interested me immensely ever since I learned about Lorenzo's Oil and I could spend a lifetime learning more and more about it.

Deeply interested Hispanic culture, I plan to minor in Hispanic Studies. Spending seven years with people from across the globe at my summer camp, I couldn't wait to know enough Spanish to hold a conversation with my best friend, Tatiana. The Penn Summer Abroad Program in Madrid interests me as it gives students the opportunity to experience Spanish culture and living as well as learn and perfect the Spanish language.

Stimulating and engaging, Penn's remarkable number of extra-curriculars and clubs are astonishing. Mostly involved in Orchestra, The Black Student Union, and Track & Field, I believe extracurriculars are extremely important. Taking part in clubs like these activities is imperative to me. They serve as new basis for friendships, fun, and countless opportunities. Each day shouldn't just be spent learning and becoming a well rounded person, taking part in various clubs is essential.

Besides the plethora of amazing things Penn has, it also has personal meaning to me. It is in the city where my parents met, the city where I was born, and the place where my father attended University. He exclaims it was one of the best parts of his life. Stories ranging from professors to clubs he participated in enlightened me to the inspiring and supportive nature of Penn. A place where students are encouraged to think, participate, and grow as individuals is where I want to be each day. As I take my journey through college, I want to grow and learn as an individual, prepared for anything the world may throw at me.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 15, 2014   #2
- Admission officers know a suck up statement when they read one. Skip this. They already know they have an excellent institution. They want to know about you and your plans for studying there.

- I intend to double major in biology and anthropology. I will do that because I believe that the greatest scientific discoveries all stem from an understanding of the human body and society from past to present. The best scientific minds understand the connection and the evolution of human society with medical science, just like the Odone's did in their own way.

see parts of the world

Specifically, Penn's relationship with the University of Edinburgh in Scotland amazes me as students receive opportunities to study in its biology and genetics programs.

_- I specifically would like to pursue an opportunity to study at the partner school of Penn, the University of Edinburgh in Scotland, where amazing learning opportunities await students in the field of biology and genetics.

[quote=moogle123]Deeply interested Hispanic culture, I plan to minor in Hispanic Studies. Spending seven years with people from across the globe at my summer camp, I couldn't wait to know enough Spanish to hold a conversation with my best friend, Tatiana. The Penn Summer Abroad Program in Madrid interests me as it gives students the opportunity to experience Spanish culture and living as well as learn and perfect the Spanish language. [ /quote]

- This is not related nor relevant to your title choice for this essay. Do not include this because it only takes up needed space and deviates from the focus of the essay.

- No relation to the focus of your essay. Unless this was previously required in the prompt?

- Don't present new information at the end of your essay. Most specially, do not play the "traditional family school card" because your father's being an alumna of the school will not influence the admission officer or committee. Your academic credentials should speak for yourself. Be fair to the other applicants. Those on the committee who know your father will know you are his child through other aspects of your application. There is no need to point this out.
OP moogle123 1 / 1 1  
Sep 16, 2014   #3
Thanks for the tips!!!


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