Can I get some advice and feedback on my essay? It would be much appreciated because I have been having a hard time writing this specific prompt.
Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
The people within a community can act as the cog in a well-functioning machine. Each and every person in the world is able to provide a role that affects the other. However, what of those that are willing, but unable to promote their significance in a world that can be otherwise intimidating to the unfortunate? Do they not deserve this chance to prove that what they have to offer can make a difference?
Throughout my life, I have felt as if I should play an important role in society. I have always believed that my social obligation needs to be so influential, that I can feel as if I have changed the world for a greater good. For years, I completed intensive soul searching in order to find what niche I can be best suited for. After my first day of job shadowing at a community hospital, I knew how I could help this world for the better and feel as if my role changed a person's life forever.
Since I was young, I have wanted to help people. Coming from a family that is their active duty to help citizens, a police officer and teacher, I have been instilled with a passion to help that is so great, it cannot be subdued. Every day I am subjected to stories of how my parents have shaped another person's life, while I listened. One day, after a particularly riveting story about a police standoff that my father recounted, I decided that my career needed to involve helping people, no matter how unfortunate. Seeing as how I had acquired a divine interest in the human body, I concluded that I should be employed in the medical field. After my self-discovery, I wanted to begin my career as soon as possible by acclimatizing myself to the hospital scene.
By volunteering and job shadowing at my local hospital, I made an observation that severely impacted my philosophy on life. On my first day of job shadowing at a community hospital, I finally understood how people condescendingly treat the underprivileged. During my tour of the hospital, I did not find myself overwhelmed with the priceless equipment or the expansive medical staff, but of the hallways in the hospital. With my first steps into the hospital, I found myself surrounded by an array of the sick and injured that lined the hallway as if they were merely wall decorations. Many looked as if they were in extreme agony and needed help. It panged me to see these people in mortal distress just because they were unable to afford the proper medical insurance, or they did not have connections that allowed them excellent service by the medical professionals. I now feel that it is my honorable duty to ensure that each and every person receives equal medical treatment. People should not be treated inferiorly when we are all born equally.
This revelation has given me the potential to realize that my future affirms my goal in helping everyone that is in need. By finding employment in the medical field, I will be able to realize my capabilities of assisting those that are willing, but unable to find their niche in society. By pursuing a medical career, I would be pursuing my love and passion for the human body and achieving an intrinsic goal that I have set for myself. By helping those that are unable to help themselves, I will hope to have inspired others to do the same.
CHANGE the first paragraph. It needs to sound more interesting, or the reader won't bother reading your essay. There were technical errors in a few places, including grammatical errors and tense inconsistencies. And you might want to tone down on the altruistic tone and put in some more passion. Society in general would tend to regard your ideals as noble - and the admissions officer might think that you're making up all this, because you know people like people who want to help everyone. You need to convey the genuineness of your feelings in tone.
Also, I would remove "passion for the human body" from the last line - you've used it once before, and it sounds painfully overused already.
