(Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?)
At some point in a person's life the question "What is the purpose of life?" or "What is my purpose?" crosses a man's mind. When I was fourteen coming into high school, this is the question that stumped me. After pondering this question for months, no significant answer had come to my mind. I was not able to identify myself as someone who had more than superficial goals for my future. Was my only purpose in life to make a living, marry, have kids, and pass away to a new generation who would do the same? Halfway through my freshman year the answer to my question was more than just no, and by the end of my junior year, my life became defined with meaning and significance. In general, the purpose of a man's life is to make a contribution to those around him, and in doing so inspire them to live a life that is greater than them.
Since, I was five I have always wanted to be a doctor and according to my parents, working hard in school was the only way I could become one. With this in mind, I always worked hard to maintain good grades as I strived to reach my lofty goal. When asked what do you want to be when you grow up, the answer was easy; however, as I became older the question formed into not what but why. My childish response at the time had been to make a lot of money and help people, but as I grew up this answer would no longer be sufficient or completely true. This simple answer could explain what I was doing but not define my purpose, since this is what I planned to do with my life. At this point I began to question the plan I had set for my life.
In my questioning from age fourteen to sixteen, some close family members had passed away to a monster named cancer. With these burdensome events, I quickly adopted the idea of curing cancer and held it close. The idea fit in nicely with my goal to become a doctor and was easily adopted, since I would not have to change my original plans. However, at this point my search for a purpose was fueled by solely justified anger; nevertheless, the idea was something that always stuck with me. During the summer of my sophomore year, this plan to cure cancer began to mature into something feasible. In June I attended the HOBY Los Angeles conference, which completely changed the view of my purpose and consequently allowed it to develop into what it is now. Ultimately, HOBY inspired me to make a change, whether locally, nationally, or globally. Volunteering through service was a key concept of HOBY, but the courage to be that difference in society was the emphasis on becoming true leaders. After this experience my purpose began to mature and develop into this idea that what I do should contribute and inspire those around me, whether through volunteering my time at a race for breast cancer or cleaning up trash at the beach. My desire was and is to make a positive impact in lives of others through both word and deed so that they may one day inspire the lives of those they encounter.
My years in high school have caused me to question who I am and my purpose as a part of society. As I move into the next stage of my life, I feel well equipped to pursue my dreams and aspirations whole heartedly. A firm foundation in my life has been laid due to my refusal of superficial ideas. By digging deeper and discovering my purpose, I have found my genuine passion to aid those in need, especially in the medical field. Volunteering has become a fulfilling part of my life, allowing me to step back and see the changes I have made for the better. With this experience under my belt, I will continue to contribute to my community in a positive way, knowing that my efforts to make a difference will impact the lives of others just like me.
After reading your beautifully written essay I honestly can't really find anything concrete to say on a critical scale. This essay is really good, but I honestly got kind of confused, well maybe not confused more like bombarded with so many different ages and timeline of those ages. For me personally it was too much. You start at the age of 14, then you talk about junior high, then you go back to the age of 5. I think you should put them properly in order. Also the second paragraph is great, but me as a reader, I want to know the details. What did u specifically do at HBOY that changed your views so much and helped shape who you are?
I have to say that it is a well written essay, but I think that it will be better if you specify your point a little more. For example, you can focus on your service at HOBY, give more details about it and explain why it is important to you more specifically. At the end of the passage you can make broader statement, like you want to influence people positively with your effort.
Hello,
I have graded this essay based on a matrix that we use at Essays Done Quickly. Your essay received a grade of 77/100. This is a good start. However, you are applying to a very competitive school where everyone's grades will be good. Your essays need to be PERFECT. Your essay also reads a bit dull and needs some POWER. Remember, especially at UC schools, those admissions officers are reading thousands of essays. If an admissions officer had to choose between two students who had the same grades, the student with the stronger essay would be admitted. We can help this essay reach its full potential. As far as grammar goes, in your essay we found the following errors:
Grammar 4 issues
Use of articles (1)
Confusing modifiers (1)
Passive voice use (2)
Punctuation 4 issues
Punctuation within a sentence (4)
Style and Word Choice 5 issues
Writing style (1)
Vocabulary use (4)
