Please Review. Is this a good essay topic? I would appreciate any feedback or corrections.
Thanks! ^-^
Prompt: Topic of Your Choice
Trekking along the Avon River Bend, I imagined we were the brave Pevensie children of a C.S. Lewis novel. He was, after all, the reason we were here. (Is this even relevant?- juxtaposed by Beatles lateron) Bob Marley's Buffalo Soldier blasting from my iPod birds chirping behind us on the riverbank. The blaring sun heated our bodies and blinded our eyes, so we slathered on the sun block, transition shades, and determinedly continued on our way. We left England's Warwick Castle in the distance. Its tall towers and round turrets appearing smaller with every step forward.
It was summer and we were on our "search for Narnia." When I "search", I really should say, "expedition." It was the enchanting surge of adventure, fantastical thrill, and novelty that kept our feet moving forward. My brother and I had planned extensively, mapping out the area and how much ground we could cover in one day if we only stopped for food and water. (Secretly, we looked forward to the ample rations of greasy chips and sugary candy bars that our health- conscious mother looked disapprovingly on as we packed.)
Did Lucy Pevensie ever get lost before the Faun found her? Probably, but then without the advent of Global Positioning Systems, she had a pretty good excuse.
My brother, despite numerous improvements in cartography and online mapping services that have occurred since World War II, continues to be successful in helping me understand what it feels to be completely lost. He often refers to this as a "detour."
Did Lucy ever ask her siblings to turn around?
The sun was beginning to set. Resigned to going back to camp, we began to retrace our steps to civilization. My brother claimed to have found a "shortcut" for this as well and set off the open space of the River bank and into the adjacent forest. I followed begrudgingly. At the same time, The Beatles, Eleanor Rigby resonated from my speakers.
I'd like to think that we may have Narnia that day, but to my chagrin, what we found was far from it.
A dense green canopy permitted the sun's fading beams of sunlight to filter though in a sickly greenish light, the ground was littered with weeds and vines that slithered up the ashen trunks of the moss-covered trees. (Too abrupt?) The carrion was encased in a makeshift fence of sticks and woven weeds that blocked it off form the rest of the forest.
We left promptly.
When we finally returned to the Castle, it was late and we decided that we would try again tomorrow. After returning to the hotel and eating our customary greasy foodstuff, we both lay in our bed as we poured over map, planning our next "detour." We explored the possibility that we would never find the unspoiled nirvana hidden among the trees, but the journey was in some ways better that our imagined destination. As we lied awake, my mind drifted to the Pevensie Children once more. Most likely, there will be several dead animals on our path, but won't stop me from finding my Narnia. (Too corny? or awkward?)
It was summer and we were on our "search for Narnia." When I "search", I really should say, "expedition."
- I would consider rewriting this sentence, "search" seems redundant.
Also yes, I would say your last sentence is corny. Don't use the dead animals, and if you do, use more imagery to describe them. Your last sentence is lacking a strong close.
The essay title captured my eye, so I decided to review this. Here is mine:
Trekking along the Avon River Bend, I imagined we were the brave Pevensie children of a C.S. Lewis novel. He was, after all, the reason we were here. (Is this even relevant?- juxtaposed by Beatles later on) Bob Marley's Buffalo Soldier blasting (blasted) from my iPod (while) birds chirping (chirped) behind us on the riverbank. The blaring sun heated our bodies and blinded our eyes, so we slathered on the sun block, transition shades, and determinedly continued on our way. We left England's Warwick Castle in the distance. Its tall towers and round turrets appearing smaller with every step forward. (combine these two sentences. thus: comma after distance, lowercase "i" in its)
Paragraph Comment: The phrase "after all" in the second sentence suggests that the pronoun antecedent has been mentioned. Who is "he?" Also, make sure you quote song titles.
It was summer and we were on our "search for Narnia." When I "search", I really should say, "expedition." (just say "'expedition' to Narnia") It was the enchanting surge of adventure, fantastical thrill, and novelty that kept our feet moving forward. My brother and I had planned extensively, mapping out the area and how much ground we could cover in one day if we only stopped for food and water. (Secretly, we looked forward to the ample rations of greasy chips and sugary candy bars that our health-conscious mother looked disapprovingly on as we packed.) (The parenthesis are not really needed. Delete them.)
Did Lucy Pevensie ever get lost before the Faun found her? Probably, but then without the advent of Global Positioning Systems, she had a pretty good excuse.
My brother, despite numerous improvements in cartography and online mapping services that have occurred since World War II, continues to be successful in helping me understand what it feels to be completely lost. He often refers to this as a "detour."
Did Lucy ever ask her siblings to turn around?
The sun was beginning to set. Resigned to going back to camp, (Change to "With resignation") we began to retrace our steps to civilization. My brother claimed to have found a "shortcut" for this as well and set off (for) the open space of the River bank and into the adjacent forest. I followed begrudgingly. At the same time, The Beatles, Eleanor Rigby resonated from my speakers.
I'd like to think that we may have Narnia (huh? missing the word "found," I presume...) that day, but to my chagrin, what we found was far from it.
A dense green canopy permitted the sun's fading beams of sunlight to filter though in a sickly greenish light, the ground was littered with weeds and vines that slithered up the ashen trunks of the moss-covered trees. (Too abrupt?) (Not too abrupt. Preceding sentence can be separated into two sentences to make it more clear) The carrion was encased in a makeshift fence of sticks and woven weeds that blocked it off form (SP) the rest of the forest.
Preceding paragraph can be separated into chunks of sentences.
We left promptly.
When we finally returned to the Castle, it was late and we decided that we would try again tomorrow. After returning to the hotel and eating our customary greasy foodstuff, we both lay in our bed as we poured over map, planning our next "detour." We explored the possibility that we would never find the unspoiled nirvana hidden among the trees, but the journey was in some ways better that our imagined destination. As we lied awake, my mind drifted to the Pevensie Children once more. Most likely, there will be several dead animals on our path, but won't stop me from finding my Narnia. (Too corny? or awkward?) (The dead animals made it awkward..)
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Consider rewriting this. Common app essays should reflect upon an aspect of the author's life. Make sure your essay says something about you, and make the readers (admissions) want you. Where is Narnia? I have not personally read the books, but it's a really good question upon which one can build an essay.
Have a great Memorial Day!
