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Finding something unexplored excites me.


AMazz 3 / 6  
Oct 3, 2010   #1
This is for the optional personal statement for the Penn State Application.

The prompt is: Please tell us something about yourself, your experiences, or activities that you believe would reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State. This is your opportunity to tell us something about yourself that is not already reflected in your application or academic records.

All comments, criticisms and corrections would be very much appreciated.

Ever since I was a young boy, I have always liked to explore. As a toddler, my parents would find me in places around the house I was not supposed to be. As a young child, I would ride my bike for hours around the neighborhood until I became exhausted. Now as a teenager, I'll take my father's car, or if I am really lucky, mom's minivan and venture out of my neighborhood to experience in greater detail the place I have lived for my whole life. Each rite of passage gave me more freedom to investigate. Finding something unexplored excites me. This characteristic of my personality has helped me tremendously, and the experiences I have gained have been irreplaceable.

I will never forget one such experience. I was only six years old when I naively wandered off in Disney World. I had meshed into a large crowd of people while trying to get a better look at Mickey, and became virtually invisible to my parents. It was soon apparent to me what had just happened, and when I turned around to look for them, they were gone. My heart pounded, my mind raced, and I'll admit it, I cried. With tears streaming down my puffy, red cheeks, I trotted back towards the spot I last saw them. Then, magically, I spotted my mother nervously standing on top of a bench where she was trying to get a better look. It was as if the Red Sea had been parted as I sprinted over to her, wiping the tears onto my sleeve. This experience only lasted about 5 minutes, but I remember it vividly. Though my own ingenuity, I found my way back without help, (which, by the way, no one was offering) and believe this brief exploration and happy ending helped fuel my adventurous side and make me unafraid of the unexplored.

This desire to pursue new things and seek out new experiences is one of the many reasons Penn State is the perfect place for me. Although the large number of students and enormous campus may frighten others away, I see this as a huge adventure. At first, even I was tentative about the size. This feeling soon changed after spending two days exploring the campus and the surrounding town. I quickly realized the cohesiveness and the unity present everywhere I went. All of a sudden, the daunting school with over 40,000 students became cozy and comfortable. In addition, since Penn State offers almost every conceivable major, it will give me a chance to explore my various interests before deciding which one to pursue.

The academic challenge, the unequalled school spirit, the endless number of clubs and intramural sports, the opportunity to travel abroad and all of the other planned events, make Penn State the easy choice for me to spend four years exploring, growing and preparing for the next chapter in my life.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 7, 2010   #2
This essay is very interesting and nicely written, but I want to urge you to include some more content that will "reflect positively on your ability to succeed at Penn State."

The experience that makes someone likely to succeed is the experience of having realized that you are passionate about particular subjects and particular kinds of work. You have a nice theme of exploration in this essay, but I think you need to extend it to include exploration of particular fields of study.

So... this stuff about taking your parents' cars, about exploring as a child... it is common stuff. I hope you can add some material about experiences that reflect your ability to succeed as a scholar.

Hey, I'm sorry it took you so long to get a response! EssayForum has been busy lately.

:-)


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