Any Suggestions on how to improve?
Thanks!
Prompt:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Rejection is a double-edged sword. When handled passively, it can make one less likely to take risks in the future. But, when handled as an obstacle to overcome, rejection can lead to discovering one's true potential.
As I sat in the humid, musky gym, my coach explained to me that my tumbling was not consistent enough. I listened in shock as she told be I would be an alternate for the cheerleading team. This was the second year in a row I was chosen as alternate, but this time around it stung so much worse. I had fully expected to be on the competition team for my senior year of Varsity cheer. Confused and upset, I felt I was truly deserving of a spot on the competition team. After a few days of feeling angry about my situation, I made a commitment to myself that I would work until I proved to my coach that I was worthy of a spot on the team.
During workouts, I was extremely motivated and always worked with my full effort. I practiced tumbling until my knees were scraped and bruised. To increase my stamina and strength, I ran and went to the gym on my own time. At times, I became frustrated and was almost ready to give up on my goal. I questioned if all of my hard work would ever pay off. Despite my frustrations, I continued my efforts and improved my skills. After about two months of hard work, my coaches noticed that I was outperforming some of my teammates. A decision was made by the coaches that I would replace one of the girls on the competition team, and all of a sudden, my struggles were worthwhile.
When faced with challenges in life, one must decide to either accept defeat or to take action. My experiences with my cheerleading team have shown me that I am a strong and self-motivated person. By working my way from alternate to competitor, I have discovered my ability to persevere through rejection.
"Rejection is a double-edged sword. When handled passively, it can make one less likely to take risks in the future. But, when handled as an obstacle to overcome, rejection can lead to discovering one's true potential."
I would revise this sentence or take it out. Its quite impersonal, for an opening sentence. Further, I would replace "double-edged sword" with something that's a bit more original.
Start your essay out with, an the event of trying out, or the hours you practiced before you tried out. The couch telling you, you didn't make it, is kind of abrupt.
Specifically mention that you were rejected in your example. I suggest a semi-climatic: I had been rejected. would suffice.
"Confused and upset, I felt I was truly deserving of a spot on the competition team."
I was confused and upset because I felt I truly deserved a spot on the competition team.
Lastly, how long is this essay suppossed to be. You could really add more to it.
Overall, I like the theme of your essay.
Could you take a look at mine?
Thanks!
...stung so much more .
To increase my stamina and strength, I ran and worked out at the gym. on my own time.
One of my coaches made the decision that I would...
I wonder if you could dig a little deeper and explore the underlying concerns; what does this experience really mean to you. Can it be more than just an essay about this particular experience? Maybe this experience SYMBOLIZES something.
i agree with twizzlestraw;
i think your intro sentence could be a lot stronger.
i'm pretty sure you can add at least 200 more words to this essay, unless your other uc essay is longer, thats why youre keeping it short to meet the 1000 word requirement.
if you are going to keep it this short, i suggest you make it stronger by doing a lot more of showing and not telling.
for example:
The sweat dripped down my forehead as I ran in the gym. I felt my strength and stamina increasing, and all the time i spent working out was worth it.
or something i'm not sure that was a good example, but i think you get it : )
