Hello! I'm furiously working on my UC applications, and I would like to have some feedback on my essay. My first essay answers (or at least attempts to!) this prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community, or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Here is my essay! Please feel free to be as harsh as you would like. I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts well, so I'd especially appreciate help with that. Also, I'd like to shave about a hundred words off, so please help with taking out any unnecessary words! Thank you so much! Your input and advice is much appreciated!
When I was younger, my mom would always drop little phrases and lessons to live by. One that I've heard many times in my life is "live like water." "Like water," my mom had instructed me to think. My family lived like water: fluid, always moving, accepting whatever circumstance given. Moving from home to home, state to state, country to country, we filled each place like water, forming to our new surroundings, regardless of place. Living in places across the word, from the small city of Sugar Land, Texas, to the bustling city life of Yanbu Al-Ba'har, I grew up knowing one thing for certain: the possession I can carry with me no matter where life takes me is my mind.
Financial problems forced my family to move many times in my life. Either a few cities away, or a continent away, each move resulted in the loss of possessions. Toys that just couldn't fit into the over-packed van or books that would weigh down our luggage were given away; only necessities were packed. As I moved from place to place, I was comforted to know that everything I had learned would stay with me: a safe, secure, familiar little package that I could hold on to. The boating skills I picked up in Port Arthur, or the Arabic words and phrases I learned in Yanbu, or even the unorthodox horse care lessons from my eccentric neighbor in Sugar Land who I am. Every life lesson I've learned, every colloquialism I've learned, every piece of information I've learned is something that is mine, something that can't be taken away or left behind. I realized this early on, which prompted to revel in the amount of information available to learn. I understood that life wasn't about learning new things just to store in my mind, but to use and develop to use it to create, whether it is music, an invention, a theory, etc. I wanted to try to learn all types of subjects. I was particularly bad at playing any type of musical instrument, so naturally I decided to enroll myself in a class to lean to play tabla- traditional Indian drums - in the 6th grade. I turned out to be the worst player in the class. My family could only afford lessons for three months, but some indignant fire in me made me want to continue learning; I taught myself using online resources. My motivation conquer those drums propelled me to work determinedly to be the best I could be. I went from the worst in the class to the winning an award in 2009 for best presentation of skill.
And so, like water, I moved alongside my family to each new location, but not without picking up new ideas with me as I travelled. Through this, I came to understand something very important: water isn't only obedient and obliging. Water can also be willful; water can be powerful; water can carve its own path. My mind is willful; my mind is powerful; my mind has the potential to carve its own path. Water uses its force to create something bigger than itself, like the Grand Canyon. With my mind as my most powerful resource, I can take my love for learning new things and use it to create. And so, I have my same mantra, with a new meaning. Like water, I will use the power and strength of my mind to create something new and to reach greater lengths. I do not have to accept that something is "impossible" or "unchangeable." The world has so much more to achieve everyday, so why shouldn't I be one of the people to help? I know that whichever direction in life I pursue, I want to be able to give my all, while encouraging others to share my passion for harnessing the power and potential of the mind. My main goal in life is to sincerely feel that I have pushed my mind to its limits, ventured outside of what I knew, and conquered a previously assumed "impossible."
I was wondering if you had any suggestions that would help me keep my example about tabla, because I wanted to include a concrete example to clarify what I meant. Since it only seems to make it more confusing, do you have any suggestions to keep it while using it to clarify? Thanks so much, Cindy!
I am so very sorry that I didn't get to this sooner! I was planning on getting to this, but completely forgot about essayforum since no one else replied to my posts, and I had already turned those the essays that I wrote here in. Thank you, though, for the feedback! I only hope that the admissions have at least half of the sentiments you expressed for my essays.
I read through the first draft and the one that devotchka revised, and she definitely caught the more prominent errors. (I hope the "across the word" in the first paragraph was changed to "world"). Overall, I really liked the analogy made between the fluidity of the water and the that of your constant moving. Water is a very easy-to-depict image, and it fits wonderfully :) Hope all goes well with your acceptances! I might be putting up my Vassar essay, but it's due tomorrow anyways, and I'm not sure what anybody can really say about it in that time span!
By the way, do you know how to delete my previous posts?
