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"4 fingered pianist"- common app personal essay option 4

chocana 6 / 18  
Dec 24, 2010   #1
Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

Hello. This is a rough draft. Could you please check my grammar and the general flow? I will comment back and help yours!

Chopin's mellifluous notes hammered my ears as my swollen fingers scrambled to play the maddeningly sprawled notes across the page. My ears strained to comprehend the incoherent verbiage of clustered notes. The piano keys transformed in to rough bricks refusing to work. My weary fingers were becoming numb. My shoulders were aching. My mind was blank. I was too tired. I could not do it anymore.

Then I took a deep breath and thought about her, Hee Ah Lee.

I first met her in a homely church in Indonesia, the country I live in. She was perched on top of the piano chair, her stumpy legs peeking underneath the pink frilly dress. Her face was bright with concentration. After a quick intake of breathe, the euphonious and tantalizing melody of Chopin's Fantaisie Impromptu sprang from Hee Ah's four fingers, two on each hand. Albeit few mistakes, her performance captivated and moved the audience. After the emitting the final chord, Hee Ah climbed down from the piano chair and beamed proudly at the audience.

Hee Ah Lee was born with many disabilities, including only two fingers on each hand, stumpy legs and mild brain damage. Despite her disabilities, her diligence and perseverance shined her talent. She practiced Chopin's Fantaisie Impromptu for five years, mastering it to perfection.

She was an inspiration for me. I felt a special connection with her, because we both had the same love and passion for music. We both sought comfort, inspiration and freedom through music. However, in order to reach that state of comfort, inspiration and freedom, one must persevere through the thorny and trodden path to that nirvana. Our similarities end at this point. She enjoyed the torturing walk through the thorns and embraced the pains, because she knew that at the end of the walk, nirvana of music waited for her. I, on the other hand, despised the pains and tried to elude the sting, because I only saw the muddy ground below and not the nirvana ahead. It was hard for me to resist the temptation to just crumble and rest. At those moments, however, Hee Ah's lilting melody would lift my eyes from the ground, and focus them on my goal ahead. If she could tread through the muck with her fragile little legs, I could too. If she could face the thorns with a smile, I could too. She gave me a hope. She became the light of guidance that kept my eyes looking steadily ahead, not down, not wandering. She opened my ears to the subtle yet exquisite music hidden behind the sweat and pains of hard work. And so, thanks to her, I open my heart to the seemingly cacophonous chords of diligence and rejoice when I find that euphonious melody that carries me to nirvana.

Slayers_Boxer 2 / 4  
Dec 24, 2010   #2
Your lesson of this essay is not so clear, in my opinion
What can the college learn about you? What is your action besides appreciating the pianist?
HK92 2 / 6  
Dec 24, 2010   #3
In the 3rd para., take out "the" from "After the emitting the final"

"Inspiration" repeats twice in "She was an inspiration for me" and "We both sought comfort, inspiration and freedom".. sounds redundant

Sorry I can't be more helpful

But I really can't suggest anything more because your writing skill is much much far superior than mine...:)

If you are submitting this as the option that says "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence," which I believe is the 3rd one on Common App, I think your essay works perfectly fine!

If this is a rough draft, I bet this essay will be awesome when you finish :))
Good luck!

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