Hey everyone,
I am almost done with my application and the last step is supplements essay ... Since each school requires different things, I thought I'd just post the one that is the most relevant to me. I need critique, opinions, feedbacks and most of all, editing ! I am applying from overseas and it is hard to get help from here; I am in desperate need of proofreaders ! Please help me and I'll be glad to help you in any way I can !
Here it goes
Last year, I got fired from my fast-food job after giving a glass of water to a homeless man who had stumbled into the place, looking exhausted. Although I was then unemployed, I couldn't help but feel proud for helping someone in need; making a change in their lives.
The next day I sat down and thought of what I could do for my community and came up with the idea of teaching English to children from the lower classes who don't receive the education of a foreign language. My city provided a local and a week later I started to teach.
The class gathers pre-schoolers to elderly, all interested in understanding the language but also in the differences between our two civilizations. Often, the class discusses social issues and it is truly rewarding to hear what a person with totally different background than mine has to say. Every Saturday, I teach the group but I realize I have learned from them much more than I could have thought. We all understand that culture is not only about a language but the diversity of the minds and the life experiences each one of us add to it.
I got a job to make money to afford to go to college and make a change but I realize now that I already did. I mattered in my locality's life and I want to matter in ----'s community.
----'s motto reminds me sometimes it is necessary to take action and tell the world every human life is worth something. When I toured campus, I felt that ---- was the ideal academic institution for me and the place where my initiatives would grow into real changes for our community. ---- has a mountain of experiences ready to challenge me and I have the determination it takes to change our world.
Last year, I got fired from my fast-food job after giving a glass of water to a homeless man who had stumbled into the place, looking exhausted.
You could say it like this: "An exhausted homeless man stumbled into the restaurant I worked at and asked for a glass of water. Because I gave it to him, I was fired."
Although I was then unemployed, I couldn't help but feel proud for helping someone in need; making a change in their lives.
Maybe say it like this? "Even though I was unemployed, that moment made me feel proud, for helping a man in need, and hopefully making a small change in his life."
The next day, I sat down and thought ofpondered what I could do for my community, and came up with thean idea. ofI wanted to teach English to children from the lower classes who don't receive the education of a foreign language education .
My city provided a local venue? and a week later I started to teach.
The class gathersincludes anyone from pre-schoolers to elderly, who are all interested in understanding the language,but also inand the differences between our two civilizations. Often, the class will discuss social issues, and it is truly rewarding to hear whatviewpoints from a person with a totally different background than mine.has to say.
Thank you !
Would you change anything else ? The structure, content, is the story as a whole appealing ?
