I am applying Early Decision to Reed and am worried that my essay isn't unique or engaging. I've written about how I genuinely feel, but I can't help feeling like it isn't enough. This is what I have so far. Any feedback or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
Prompt: Reed is a unique and exciting college experience. Discuss the reasons that you believe Reed would be an appropriate place to continue your education.
For the majority of my high school career, I have been met with blank stares when attempting to make a profound point to my peers. I have to explain myself in very specific detail before receiving a response of "Ohhh", which I suspect is their way of getting me to drop the subject because they still haven't fully understood what I'm trying to say. This was most evident during my sophomore year AP European History course. I found the material enthralling, and threw myself into it in a way that I'd never done. Most of my classmates, except for one who I am now very good friends with, complained about the workload (several pages of book notes a night) and how terrible the teacher and her jokes were. (Personally, I found her jokes to be hysterical...then again, that may serve as an indication of my own rather bad ones.) It was always very difficult to get any sort of effective discussion going because only a select few people had done the previous night's work and knew what the teacher was talking about. This is a trend that has continued most of the time any one of my teachers has tried to initiate a class discussion. The dull question "Is this going to be on the test?" can frequently be heard. I have concluded that the most probable reason for this is that many of my peers simply don't care enough to think about material beyond that which is required for them to know.
I have felt intellectually starved for a very long time and have searched far and wide for anything that will provide my mind with some sort of stimulation. At this point I fear that if I'm not in a place that will challenge my ideas and beliefs in ways I didn't know were possible, I might as well throw in the towel and pursue my childhood dream of herding sheep in New Zealand. I believe Reed can provide me with exactly what I need because I want to learn for the sake of enriching my own mind. An environment in which it would be acceptable for me to be as curious and knowledgeable as I am without getting ostracized for it would be life-changing. I don't expect to learn about the end all and be all of everything; I have found that the more one knows about the world, the more aware we become of just how much we don't know. But it would be nice to be able to share and exchange meaningful knowledge with like-minded people. It would also allow me personal growth in other areas of my life. The rather common phrase "Monika, you're such a weirdo" wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. As of right now, I frequently stifle the little girl in me dying to ask the astounding number of questions that bounce around my head when exposed to new information. It would be refreshing to be in a place where such a thing would be encouraged and reciprocated.
I have been fortunate to attend a high school where there is a huge amount of diversity that is encouraged by both teachers and administrators alike. There are very few to no cliques; it is not unusual to have a football player who is in choir, or a cheerleader who is in our equivalent of the Engineering Club. Nobody thinks twice of these people, and I can't imagine myself being in any other environment after this. I love that Reed appreciates diversity in all of its shapes and forms and doesn't place people into molds. People are complex individuals and it is impossible to expect them to fit into one category.
Most people I have spoken with about college and whom I have told about my interest in Reed have reactions with a similar, underlying theme: that it is very rigorous academically (I had a teacher tell me he was discouraged from attending because of this), that it is very unconventional (a friend's older brother instructed me to watch the movie "Blue Like Jazz" and 'think very seriously about it'), and that the rain is ridiculous (I should expect to never want to see another raindrop again). Despite all of these supposed shortcomings, my admiration for the school has only continued to grow since receiving my first attention-grabbing brochure two years ago.
I really like your essay overall, nice examples of how you feel at school! I would advise you to revise the first paragraph and really try to show, not tell. It seems like you really like to have class discussions and interact with your your teachers, so maybe you should talk about why that helps you, and how Reed would benefit you in that sense. Also, the shift from discussing your academic and intellectual starvation to the diversity at your current school is somewhat abrupt. I would recommend you introducing that sooner. Good luck!
which I suspect is their way of getting me to drop the subject because they still haven't fully understood whatI'mwas trying to say.
... I think it's better to keep everything in past tense.
I have concluded that the most probable reason for this is that many of my peers simply don't care enough to think about material beyond that which is required for them to know.
.... This is not grammatically incorrect. However, I feel you better try to reduce its length. Then it would help enhance the effectiveness of your flow. When the sentence is too long, the reader needs to keep memorizing lots of things that tire him and make him lose interest in reading what you'v e written.
