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My first business - draft of personal statement - University of Victoria

vmoretti 1 / -  
Dec 24, 2020   #1

personal statement essay

My first business was when I was 7 years old. You may have heard stories like this before, but mine is a little different. During recess, I would sell Rainbow Loom bracelets to other unsuspecting 7 years olds but I would charge them triple the price I should have. In one day I made 80 dollars off of 10 bracelets, even though it cost me 5 dollars to make them. That day, I learned about profit in relation to revenue and cost. However, only 3 days later, many of my customers came back telling me I had overcharged them. That day, I learned about the importance of customer satisfaction. I hated that I lost money because of refunds, but I learned the importance of ethical behavior when it comes to running a business. After that, I became invested in finding new and innovative ways to make money, which eventually transferred over to my love for business.

From a young age, my parents taught me to be self-sufficient. Being that they're both entrepreneurs they felt it was vital for me to learn how to create and problem-solve on my own. As I began to understand the significance of independence and responsibility, I formed a craving and love for it. This became evident at school; among my peers, I have consistently been known as the independent student. I am very strict with my schedules and deadlines, and hold myself to a very high standard-- which I believe is the reason for my academic success. My propensity for self-governance and my parents' businesses also inspires me to find my own way in life. Being that one of the main focuses of your Commerce program is entrepreneurship, your program made an excellent fit for what I was looking for in Business. Learning to create a business as an individual is very important to me because I am able to have more freedom with my vision. When I have creative leeway and autonomy, I am usually more passionate and tend to be more successful in my work. University seems to be where independence becomes essential, even more so for this program. Since I am an individual who thrives in an environment such as this, my penchant for independence will be a huge part of my success in university.

I have always had a proclivity for mathematics and its practical application to life; mathematical theory, and its importance in society, fascinates me. I love that I can apply my knowledge from math to many facets of life, including finance. When given a finance problem, the numbers are no longer just symbols on a page; they mean something. Understanding the significance of the numbers and how I could solve or analyze the problem became an exciting task I looked forward to. After the finance unit, learning more about the practical application of math within business seemed quite interesting. Through my research into post-secondary programs, I discovered I could learn about business in a practical sense as well as apply math to finance courses. The links between mathematics and the Commerce program will contribute to my success in university, more specifically this program, as a result of my skill in math.

I have had the privilege to travel, both in North America and Europe. It is an aspect of my life I value and has given me the opportunity to learn about various cultures. Traveling takes me out of the environment I am accustomed to and challenges my conscious and subconscious biases. One example of how travel influenced my perspective on life is being able to compare the many different lifestyles and careers of those I have met. It completely shifted my mindset on the breadth of work and life opportunities I have available to me. I am not limited to one set path in life, I am free to alter my course and direction anytime I would like. With this in mind, I was excited to learn that your program includes an international business focus. This aligns well with my goal to build my career on a global scale as well as further my cultural horizons. The University of Victoria's Commerce program gives me the flexibility and choice to adjust my path. These aspects as well as my own mindset towards my career path will both contribute to my personal success.

Each of these aspects makes up a part of who I am and what I value. I believe my independence, skill in mathematics, and my understanding of career pathways through travel will contribute to my eventual success in university and your BCom program. My independence will aid in learning about entrepreneurship and the completion of independent work. My aptitude for math will be incredibly helpful for finance. Last but not least, being given the opportunity to travel gave me a much deeper understanding of my own personal goals and what I see for myself in terms of a career pathway. Right now, my personal goal is to go to university and as for my career pathway, going into a Business Commerce program is only the beginning. In the end, all I want is to live up to that seven-year-old girl's dream of a business bigger than selling elastic band bracelets during recess.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,672 4113  
Dec 24, 2020   #2
Rather than mentioning an actual age in the essay, which often works against your application, you would do better to simply say that when you were younger, you dabbled in business. Being age vague helps because the reviewer will not end up questioning the circumstances of your claims and the validity of the situation. That paragraph is a good opening hook, it just needs to be better presented to avoid any possible questions on the reviewer's part.

The problem, is that your hook regarding ethics should have been further developed throughout the essay. You kind of dropped the ball on that discussion since you suddenly jumped to self-sufficiency in the next paragraph. The interest in this essay will only remain if you focus on a single foundation for the presentation. That is, the development of your interest in business through ethical business practices as taught by your parents.

The personal statement is similar to a letter of motivation for a college applicant. This is your chance to show the development of your interest in your course, how you pursued it, and why it is important for you to study this course. Everything else should be integrated into that explanation, including the reason why you were attracted to a particular university.

The essay has too many elements presented. It should be edited for clarity and focused discussion presentations. You should revise the essay to show the information I have previously indicated. That would make for a better developed personal statement.

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