Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
This is my first draft, and I need some suggestions. Thanks!
When I was born seventeen years ago, I became the first, and only, child of my devoted parents, who had already been married a decade before making the decision to bring a new life into the world. I quickly became the primary focus of my immediate and extended family, and was brought up in a stress-free environment, where I believed my life was close to perfect. Because my father is a member of the United States Marine Corps, I grew up learning the importance of family and the value of determination even in the most trying situations. These values would eventually be put to the test when I entered my junior year of high school. This was the year my close to perfect life was scarred by harsh reality.
On October 22, 2012, my mother was diagnosed with stage I breast cancer; a mere month after my father had been transferred out of state to complete the last chapter in his career. I was immediately confronted with emotions and issues that many adults have never faced. The news was difficult to comprehend, and I struggled to maintain the work ethic that had been standard in my family since I had begun my education. In order to become my mother's main support system, while simultaneously preserving my high marks, I sacrificed the social life that many teenagers take for granted. I received a massive understanding from my closest friends, who helped me through the situation in any way that they could.
Other than these select friends, and a few empathetic teachers, I had decided not to share my dilemma with my school. Instead, I immersed myself into my studies, using my free time to assist my mother with her daily activities. I was satisfied with my choice to keep my personal matters to myself, as I did not want to be treated any differently by my peers. After months of accompanying my mother to treatments, and taking over her daily household tasks, my determination finally paid off. I had earned the highest GPA that I had every managed, a 4.67. I was able to achieve my own goal, as well as make my family proud.
This experience has given me the ability to recognize and cope with the hardships that come alongside even the best in life. It has given me a sense of responsibility towards my loved ones that I would otherwise not have discovered. It has also shaped my dreams and aspirations that I have for the future, by showing me what elements of life are truly important. Because of my experience with the fear of the unknown, I would like to make similar worries easier for others to manage. I would like to ease the anxiety and depression that thousands are faced with each day when diagnosed with a life-threatening disease, be that by being as knowledgeable as possible about a patient's situation, or by simply offering a smile and being a friend to those struggling with their recently learned condition.
Good start and good topic. It's relevant to your major. ...but...
There are too many long sentences. Doesn't fit a short essay like yours. Cut out the fat and wordiness as well as conjunctive grammar. Your opening and closing statements are really hard to read. They're very long and not concise nor flow well at all.
Expand upon the USMC and research a little about it. Their history, creed, mission, vision and an example to use from your exposure to your dad.
Don't list the GPA because they already get that in your application or transcripts. Don't repeat information that is already factual or concrete. Elaborate on it using imagery and description.
Do thousands get diagnosed with life threatening disease each day? Be careful making invalid statements that you don't know. Especially statistics.
You're using a lot of cliches and common phrases. Don't. Be original and diverse.
There are a lot of redundancies too.
Cut out the pork...elaborate more in depth as well as sub topics that are pertinent to this essay....and cut out the pork.
Use original voice in your essay without the cliche and familiar phrases that we all hear.
Grammar. (semicolons and commas...majorly).
Turn all these compound sentences and phrases into one concise sentence without the drawn out verbosity.
Do this and post that one in replacement of this.
Maybe another 5-7 drafts to go.
