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My first Essay. how a college education will change your life


Jack10977 1 / 9  
Jan 11, 2009   #1
The essay should describe how a college education will change your life. It should include:

topics or areas you hope to explore at Empire State College
your academic and personal experience, interests and strengths
your longer-term personal and professional goals
If you have previously applied to, or been enrolled at Empire State College and are re-applying, please complete the essay noting any changes in your goals since you last applied.

Enter your essay in the box below (250 word minimum):

PLEASE HELP. IS THE FOLLOWING GOOD?

Why am I applying at Empire State College?
At Empire State College, I hope to be able to explore a variety of topics. My main goal is in the area of Human Development, to understand human experience and behavior. I would love to learn about the experience, growth and behavior of human beings; patterns of development in life stages - infancy, childhood, adolescence, adulthood and aging. As described in Empire State Colleges' overview page.

As a Teacher for 5 years I have learned a lot. I learned that every Human being, especially a child is unique. Every Child has his or her needs, qualities and shining points.

As a Teacher I ran many times into difficult situations. For example, once a student cried out loud in my class: "My mother beats me with a whip every night. I am not going home anymore"! I was lost in words. I felt so bad for him, but was not skilled enough to be able to help this child. It was this story, and many others that made me decide. I need to learn how to understand human behavior better. I will pursue a College Degree in Psychology, and try to help the unfortunate rebuild their lives.

My goal is to become a professional Psychologist. To be able to earn a living by helping others have a better life, a better future and thereby make the world a better place.

I am confident that Empire State College is my right choice. With convenient online courses, that will let me keep my Job, with God's will, I believe Empire will make my educational dreams come true.
OP Jack10977 1 / 9  
Jan 11, 2009   #2
Can any1 please comment? Is this worth anything?
jennc09 4 / 64  
Jan 11, 2009   #3
Hello, I am not a moderator, but I would love to help you.

Here are some grammer corrections...

Why am I applying atto Empire State College?

As described in Empire State Colleges' overview page. (This is not a complete sentence.)

You do not need to capitalize "teacher."

Spell out numbers that are small. (such as five.)

You do not need to capitalize "human being."

You do not need to capitalize "child."

Hope this helps!

Jenn
OP Jack10977 1 / 9  
Jan 11, 2009   #4
Thank You so much Jennifer.
What do you say to the Essay as a whole?
Does combining the 2 sentences like this help?
I would love to learn about the experience, growth and behavior of human beings; patterns of development in life stages - infancy, childhood, adolescence, adulthood and aging, as described in Empire State Colleges' overview page.
jennc09 4 / 64  
Jan 11, 2009   #5
No problem!

I like the essay as a whole, but I think you should work on it a little more...

The two sentences that you combined is kind of confusing... maybe you should try to re-word it in a different way.

Jenn
OP Jack10977 1 / 9  
Jan 11, 2009   #6
Thank you again!
I hear your advice and i'll try to work on it a little more.
Which parts are the most important to revise?
Thank you.
P.S. can any1 else help? Maybe a moderator?
justinwang 10 / 28  
Jan 12, 2009   #7
I am not a moderator neither, but I wish my advice is useful.
You only write about 260 words. I think you should write more. You can focus on a specific personal experience which contributes to your academic goal and shapes who you are.
zowzow 10 / 175  
Jan 12, 2009   #8
this is a why us essay

main problem with this is you have not talked about Empire state college at all. Whether it is strong in the major of your choice, whether it has professors you would like to hear lectures from, special programs that interests you.

"topics or areas you hope to explore at Empire State College
your academic and personal experience, interests and strengths
your longer-term personal and professional goals"

this is the question you have written and sure you have answered it but subtly, this question is asking what kind of course do you want to pursue at OUR university, specific to OUR college. What do we have that others don't?

you did not meet this criteria at all and sorry for being harsh but your answer does not answer the question.

On this forum there are a lot of "why us" college essays. They may be of differnet universities/colleges you are applying to but you will be able to see what kind of answers they give and what kind of things they include in their essays. If you read many of them, you will see some similarities and aspects of their university that they mention. Look over them and make sure your essay mentions some of those things.

Some grammar errors

As a Teacher I ran into difficult situation on many occasions. For example, a student cried out loudly in my class: "My mother beats me with a whip every night. I am not going home anymore"! I was lost forwords. I felt so sorry for him, but I was not powerful enough to be able to help this child. It was this story, and many others that influenced me and encouraged me to learn how to understand human behavior better.

and to improve on the issues i have mentioned context wise, sentences such as these

I will pursue a College Degree in Psychology, and try to help the unfortunate rebuild their lives.
My goal is to become a professional Psychologist.

can be changed into

Empire State College's strong psychology department became of great interest once I decided to help the unfortunate rebuild their lives by becoming a Psychologist.

things like that

p.s. yes your essay needs to be much more than what it is now. it said minimum 250, then I would go for 500 - 700 as a good solid length to talk enough about the school and not bore the adcoms.

good luck
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 12, 2009   #9
At Empire State College, I hope to be able to explore a variety of topics. My my main goal is to acquire a deep understanding of human development, experience and behavior.

How about that?
fernaj13 4 / 9  
Jan 12, 2009   #10
Tip

- you don't start an academic essay with a question.
OP Jack10977 1 / 9  
Jan 12, 2009   #11
Thank you for replying. I will revise it and see what you have to say.
Thank you

P.S.
Marcellinus Jun Ha Lyu
I don't see why you say this is a why us essay. This looks like a why are you pursuing etc. essay.
Please explain
Thanks
kbros9193 3 / 6  
Jan 12, 2009   #12
i agree with jenncc good overall essay just focus on development of topics a little
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jan 12, 2009   #13
The essay definitely needs to be revamped to talk more about the particular university you are applying to. The topic doesn't specifically ask "why us?" but the fact that it asks you to talk about what you hope to gain from a college education, and that you are apply to ESC, means that a "why us?" approach is sort of implied. Also, it would be one way of tying together the answers to the various questions you have to deal with so as to have a focused, interesting essay instead of a series of unrelated answers that follow the instructions without being particularly compelling.
OP Jack10977 1 / 9  
Jan 13, 2009   #14
Thank you everyone on your comments. I tried revising it. This is what i got. Can anyone comment.
Thanx for being so patient, this is my first Essay and English isn't my native language.

Why I am applying to Empire State College
Being a teacher for five years has learned me a lot. I learned that every human being, especially a child is unique. Every child has his or her needs, qualities and shining points.

As a teacher I ran into difficult situations on many occasions. For example, a student cried out loudly in my class: "My mother beats me with a whip every night. I am not going home anymore"! I was lost for words. I felt so sorry for him, but I was not powerful enough to be able to help this child. It was this story, and many others that influenced me and encouraged me to learn how to understand human behavior better. I decided that I will pursue a College Degree in Psychology, and try to help the unfortunate rebuild their lives.

After doing some research on distance learning, I discovered Empire State College. Empire State Colleges' overview page on human development caught my eye. I realized that Empire State College will help me acquire a deep understanding of human development, experience and behavior. I became convinced that it would be the right place to learn about the experience, growth and behavior of human beings; patterns of development in life stages - infancy, childhood, adolescence, adulthood and aging.

When I will graduate from Empire State College I hope to become a professional Psychologist. Thus to be able to earn a living by helping others have a better life, a better future and thereby make the world a better place.

I am confident that Empire State College is my right choice. With convenient online courses, that will let me keep my Job, with God's will, I believe Empire will make my educational dreams come true.
akashnegi 8 / 23  
Jan 13, 2009   #15
I think that the question at the beginning is quite unneccessary..
OP Jack10977 1 / 9  
Jan 13, 2009   #16
Thank you. Can You recomend any other title?
zowzow 10 / 175  
Jan 13, 2009   #17
Being a teacher for five years has learned me a lot

has taught me a lot

especially a child is unique. dont think you need this line

shining points. awkward word choice. look for alternatives here

caught my eye. too informal. something more like grabbed my attention or something like that

I am confident that Empire State College is my right choice. With convenient online courses, that will let me keep my Job, with God's will, I believe Empire will make my educational dreams come true.

now its good that you understood what i was saying and referred to the college. However you do not need to say the name of the college so many times. replace some with third person references maybe. Also in that last sentence, you should remove with God's will. Unless the college is christian school, you shouldn't express your religious beliefs directly in your essay. also remove the word educational, and change the sentence "that will let me keep my job" (job does not need to be capitalized) "with convenient online courses, which will allow me to study while working in my current job" or something like that.
OP Jack10977 1 / 9  
Jan 14, 2009   #18
Thank you. Do you believe mentioning God will harm my essay?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 14, 2009   #19
Being a teacher for five years has taught me a lot. ....oh, i see that Marcell already corrected that error... : )

I am confident that Empire State College is the right choice for me . With Convenient online courses that will enable me to keep my job while I -- empowered by God's guidance and the resources at Empire -- will make my educational dreams come true.

No, you have to stay true to yourself! If you have a relationship with God, you can't omit God from something like this just in case the reader is not religious. If the reader is a militant atheist, the mention od God will harm your chances of being accepted, but that is a chance that religious people have to take, I guess, rather than be untrue to themselves...
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jan 14, 2009   #20
The answer to your last question is that mentioning God could hurt your chances given the current climate of academia, which isn't exactly known for its tolerance of either religion (esp. Christianity) or conservatism (unless you are applying to a specifically Christian or conservative school). How likely the reference is to damage your chances of getting in is impossible to determine, but I tend to believe that most admissions officers are fairly open-minded, and probably would not discriminate against you for admitting to holding a belief that is shared in some form by 90% of the American public. However, I'm not sure why you would want to take the risk. The essay is about "Why Empire," and if your religious beliefs are in some way an important part of why you want to attend Empire, then Kevin is right -- you need to be true to yourself. If, on the other hand, your religious beliefs have nothing to do with why you want to attend Empire, then you might want to consider not including a religious reference that is off-topic and that might damage your chances of acceptance, even if only very slightly.
zowzow 10 / 175  
Jan 14, 2009   #21
sorry my intention wasn't to say that you should hide your religious beliefs - afterall, i wrote a conversation between me and God for one of my essays. But the position and the context of how you mentioned God was very abrupt and out of topic it seemed.
OP Jack10977 1 / 9  
Jan 15, 2009   #22
Thank you all for yor advice.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 16, 2009   #23
Ha ha, this is really an interesting issue!! What conclusion do we come to about the "god" thing? I guess it is okay to omit it because you decide that it is irrelevant to the essay, but it is not okay to omit it for fear of alienating yourself from non-religious admissions officers. Anyway, now we are talking about philosophy and not writing, I guess! I am only qualified to talk about writing. Still, I am fascinated by the question, because this must be an issue that arises with many people's admissions essays...
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jan 17, 2009   #24
The issue is important, even if it is not directly related to writing. Uni. app. essays are mainly meant to test to see if students know the "correct" answers to certain questions. Essentially they are checking to see if the students are well-adjusted and well-socialized (or at least able to fake it). Given that context, religious references are almost always likely to be interpreted as red flags, and so should probably be omitted. It's much like the essays for most universities that want you to praise diversity and show concern for the environment (often asking students to talk about those issues specifically). You may believe that mainstream academic institutions are one of the least diverse places in the world, and/or that the sort of diversity they preach is more destructive than beneficial. You likewise might believe that environmentalism is essentially a cult that has finally garnered enough supporters to reach the level of a religion. However, you would be foolish to express any of those beliefs in a uni. app. essay for any mainstream college. Being true to your own beliefs has little to do with it -- after all, the goal of writing such essays is to convince the admin officers to let you in to the university, not to express yourself or to craft an argument in favor of your opinions.
OP Jack10977 1 / 9  
Jan 17, 2009   #25
Thank you all. I've ommitted it.
Any other comments?
On a 1-10 scale how would you rate it?
Can i go on with this 1?
RAGUELE NOEL - / 1  
Jan 26, 2009   #26
how a college education will change your life
fantasy 1 / 3  
Jan 26, 2009   #27
Greetings!
I really found the essay very engaging, in fact I myself share a similar kind of passion for psychology. I have a feeling you would have done a little better by adding some pros and cons of psychology, in addition to a bit more detailed interest and description of passion. However, a great piece of work. Hope to seeing more wonderful essays from you. Best of Luck!
silverystars 14 / 105  
Jan 26, 2009   #28
religious references are almost always likely to be interpreted as red flags, and so should probably be omitted.

Interesting, as I've not given that much thought about how religion can be seen as a negative in terms of college admittance. It is a bit disheartening, though, as I feel there should be those in this world who can deftly balance the spiritual and the literal, with a good college education being crucial in that.


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