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First Day of high school; UC - EXPERIENCE

The following is PART of my UC essay -prompt 2:

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

The clock struck 6:30, I was in bed, and it was time to get up. Being that my mom was the one who woke me up, I waited in bed and closed my eyes as she came near my room to cover my anxiety. It was the first day of high school and I was as excited as one could be. Taking my shower towel in with me to brush my teeth and my toothbrush downstairs with me to eat breakfast, I was oblivious to everything except for special day that I envisioned at school. Once I was ready, my mom drove me to school, asked me several questions, told me what to do after school, and yet I came out of the car unaware of what she had said.

Walking onto campus while embracing my surroundings, I kept telling myself, "This is my time, now let's go make it happen." After the first two classes, the day was going great; I had seen many of my friends and my teachers were presumably pleasant. We then had a ten minute break in which I decided to use the restroom. As I walked in, I looked into the mirror and saw the face of one of my closest friends. After a few more steps, I saw the full picture. He was in a small huddle with a few other students, and in his right hand was a cigarette. I was stunned, and now knowing how to react, I quickly exited the restroom. The scene haunted me for a long time and after several weeks, it became clear that we were no longer in touch with each other.

Growing up in a family with high, positive morals, I had seemingly been blinded by reality. Seeing a kid my age, not to mention my good friend, doing drugs was beyond my belief. Although it was tough for me to get over at first, it later became mind boggling to me as to why this even affected me as much as it did. My 'friend' had been sucked into a poor decision that I knew I was bigger than. My parents had taught me to live above the influence and that any mistakes I make now will be evident in the future. I understand that there will always be distracters in my future but I know that they are all just trying to take me off the successful that I know I am on.

this is only part of my essay, you can probably imagine where i'm going with this...before i continued with it, i wanted to know if this was appropriate (with the incorporation of drugs) and a strong topic ( i'm looking to apply to good UC schools)?

Nov 22, 2011   #2
Personally I think this is strong start to an essay that can easily go for a home run. I will assume your essay is about how you championed through even though it was a tough decision to stay away from drugs. A personal topic like this allows the admissions counselor to really get a strong grasp on what you stand for in regards to your morals, priorities, inner strength. Lastly, don't forget to tie it back to the long term effect/results you obtained from the decision you took. Hope this helps. lol (bump...)
Nov 23, 2011   #3
Personally, i think you can use more interesting or attractive onset run into your main idea.
Also, i believe that add more effects on yourself or deep interaction between your friends is much better.
Anyway, good luckļ¼
Nov 24, 2011   #4
I love your introduction!
The only comment I have is that it might be too long; after all it should be 500 words or so (depending on how you split your essays) and I think your introduction alone is about 100 words. I'm not sure how the rest of your essay would turn out, but make sure you talk about yourself! Don't forget that its not a narrative :)

Good luck!
Nov 25, 2011   #5
I am thinking, how can i did my master degree in the field of public health nutrition, do you may have an experiences share me or any option or alternatives let me know a head of time and make it practical.
Nov 26, 2011   #6
I think your first essay responds better to the question asked. You should though write a little more about your parents advices before getting to school, that way the reader can know why you made the good choice of not hanging out and doing what your friend does.

In your 9th line should be I was stunned, and NOT knowing how to react, instead of now knowing...
Also you should emphasize that this experience make you proud that you did the right thing.
Nov 26, 2011   #7
Wow that was really good but this is from your Freshmen year, just a thought if it should be about something more recent?
Overall I think it was a good essay though, great job and best of luck!

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