Please read and comment my admission essay. I highly appreciate your help.
Topic: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
As I looked ahead to my future, I approached my education with a real sense of purpose and a keen desire to maximize my potential. I knew that through intense studying and tireless efforts, I could excel on the university entrance examination and earn a spot in Hanoi University of Technology (HUT), one of Vietnam's best universities. At that time, I felt a mix of pride in what I had accomplished and an eagerness to expand my intellectual horizons. I also expected a new active air as well as a new method of learning at the higher education. However, when the time came to begin my first day at HUT, I felt an acute sense of disappointment. Walking through the campus to classes, I encountered many nervous and tired eyes. After the teacher entered, he introduced himself quickly and gave my class the term catalog. Looking at the catalog, I did not believe my eyes. With only one experiment per month, dull lectures constituted most of the work. As I watched the teacher dictate notes, I felt as though I had not progressed from high school. Therefore, just after one month of this, I became frustrated by the lack of academic dynamism at HUT, and I began to lose my passion for earning a degree from HUT.
I continued to live this rather limiting and upsetting existence until the fateful day that I attended an American educational exhibition. Immediately impressed by how I saw American higher education described, my mind fixated on the presentation when I made my way back home. In the coming weeks, I spent a lot of time searching the Internet to gather information about the higher education in the United States. The more I explored, the more I become interested in American colleges and universities. I dreamed about learning from famous professors and next to ambitious and intelligent students from around the world. I wanted to engage the creative curriculums and test the outer limits of my own skills and abilities. So, in my mind, a dream of studying in America began.
I knew, though, that if I want to make this dream a reality, I have to become completely proficient in English. In order to do so, I began reading a lot of English books and periodicals, and this task, quite unintentionally broadened my horizons and sparked my curiosity about myriad subjects. Thus, gradually, I have developed my opinions about a wide range of topics, and enjoyed discussing them to both understand the underlying issues as well as defend my arguments. They are the methods of learning that I have awaited at an academic environment, where professors encourage students to express themselves and articulate their viewpoints.
In addition to having found out the prospect of studying abroad, I have discovered several important things. Firstly, I realize that I cannot succeed in this struggle without the support of my family, and in this regard I feel quite fortunate because my parents approved of my ideas and supported my decisions. Looking back on my life, I recognized the great degree to which my parents have encouraged me whenever I got into trouble and made me feel confident that I could succeed in school and in life. They have made many sacrifices for me so that I could have the best things. Secondly, I feel quite lucky and proud for having wonderful friends. Ms Linh assisted me a great deal, working long hours with me to hone and perfect my English skills as well serving as a comforting presence in my life during difficult periods. My friend Duc Anh supplied me with a lot of helpful information about English books as well as American colleges and Binh encouraged in my choice by sending me at least one inspiring message every day. Understanding the scope and commitment of my support network gave me an enormously uplifting feeling that has seen me through the ambitious endeavor to study in America.
The past year has presented me with real challenges, but it has also revealed some very essential things that I might otherwise have taken for granted or have never even noticed. From a frustrated and timid student, I have grown into an active and vigorous one. Having an obvious aim to pursue, a happy family to buttress me at hard times and wonderful friends to share happiness and sadness, I think I have found the meaning of life.
My first thought is that the essay seems to cover too much -- it lacks focus. You talk about your disappointment with HUT, your desire to go to an American university, your decision to learn English, your development of your interests, the importance of your family, and the help given to you by your friend Duc Ahn. Decide which of these elements you most want to talk about, then condense/eliminate the rest in order to make room to expand on that one topic.
I really appreciate your comments!
However, I have a different opinion.
Firstly, please read carefully the topic. There are 2 key words: "Evaluate a significant experience" and "impact on you".
So, I think : my disappointment with HUT -> my desire to study in America to evaluate my significant experience; my decision to improve my English skills is the result.
And the paragraph talking about the importance of my family and the help given to me from my friends is to signify the big impacts on me ( I not only realize the prospect of studying abroad but also understand the big importance of my family and my friends).
Again, thanks a lot for your assistance. I will think cautiously about your ideas.
I see your logic -- the material you include is connected, but in covering so much you sacrifice the room to make what you are saying interesting. At the moment, your essay involves you telling the reader a lot of stuff about you. It doesn't, however, show the reader anything. You don't have room to go into a lot of detail about, say, a specific journal you read, what it said, and how it opened your eyes to the importance of a new topic, because you have to jump to your next subject. A more focused essay would be a more interesting one, too, because you could go into the sort of detail about a single point that would allow you to show instead of tell, but it's up to you.
what sean was telling you is that sure your essay is good, it tells people about what happened. but it doesn't jump off the page and attract the reader. Especially for a process such as university application, it is best to make it interesting, encapsulating as the adcoms would have read thousands of essays by the time you hand this in. No matter how grammatically and structurally sound, if its not interesting enough as in it doesn't capture their attention, then it will be tougher to get in with someone else with similar stats to you but a more intriguing essay that keeps the audience's attention throughout.
Other than this, I have found it much easier, when writing essays myself, to focus on one significant experience/event and focusing on making it sound very interesting to read while making a strong voice so the adcoms will not be bored while reading my essay and they get to know a lot about me.
just my opinion. take it or leave it.
totally agree with Sean, you tell too much! and your stylistic writing is not impressive or interesting to make the readers follow.
you should follow Sean's advice, it's my suggestion
P/S: Nice to meet u,some of my friends are Vietnamese, too and one has the name like yours, Dung, right? lol
Thank Sean, zowzow and shine lee very much! I understand the weakness of my essay, and I will try to fix it.
P/S: Nice to meet u, shine lee. Yes, my first name is Dung. You come from Vietnam, and your high school is CVA ( Chu Van An, isn't it?).
this account belongs to my friend, and I borrow it from him, anyway, you are welcome! when you revise your essay, we will still help you
good luck!
