[i need help with my introduction and conclusion any suggestions?]
Although, I have encountered obstacles through out my life I am determined to be the first in my family to attend a four year University. [thesis]
When I began kindergarten my parents had recently emigrated from Mexico. Therefore, money was scarce. I still clearly remember the first day of kindergarten I walked in excited and bright eyed with my ten-pack of crayons, twelve- pack of colored pencils, and my solid colored folders. My excitement was quickly diminished as all the other kids pulled out their sixty four-pack of crayons, twenty four-pack of colored pencils, and their shinny graphic folders.
Even though, I was only five years old I realized my parents could barely afford the essentials, unlike other parents who could spoil their kids with unnecessary supplies. Eventually, over the years I came to conclude that putting my best effort would allow me to succeed through out life, although I could not afford the fancy supplies. Through out high school I managed to earn good grades, participate in sports, and learn the true value of responsibility through a part time job. No matter the obstacles I was always able to stay motivated and achieve my goals.
Luckily, within the years my parents have become financially stable. Now I am fortunate to attend a four year university. Looking back at everything I been through I know I can accomplished anything I set my mind to.
I think you stray away from your thesis. While reading your thesis seemed to slip my mind, because the focus of he essay is a bit off. I think you should speak more about your family and describe how much they want you to go to a University, to support your thesis.
Hi
i like your essay
i think you should start with the third sentence (i still clearly...). It would also be more powerful if you told it like a story, as if it was in the present instead you remembering that time.
uhm...not be rude or anything but after you finish talking about kindergarten your essay kinda becomes really cliche-ish and typical, so you might want to work on that
btw whats the prompt?
