I honestly don't know if I'm a good writer or not, so I'd love some feedback on this. I didn't know there were sites like this, so I'm posting this a day before the essay is due, so if someone could please reply quickly, that would be great. Thank you so much! Basically, I am in a program where I have partial admission and I am trying to get into the psychology major, which is somewhat competitive at my college. There is no word limit, but they suggest keeping it under one single spaced page, so I think the length is okay.
Prompt: Statement of Purpose (required for all applicants)
My first escapade in the realm of psychology was unintentional; certainly, I did not know who Ivan Pavlov was when I gave my kindergarten crush a candy whenever I saw him. All I knew was that he came to associate me with candy, and he was thus attracted to me: whether he actually liked the candy or me more will always remain something of a mystery. Looking back, I feel a strange sense of pride in knowing that I classically conditioned a person at the ripe age of five years old.
Psychology has always been a strong interest of mine; no matter how much my parents pushed me towards more technological callings, my mind always came back to the study of itself. When I actually had the chance to study psychology in high school, I was shocked at some of my findings. How could Freud have been wrong about most of his theories? Psychology itself was a newer social science that was only about two centuries old? Many of the conceptions I had about psychology were destroyed as I delved deeper into the subject, and I was simultaneously enjoying and feeling apprehensive about my newly found knowledge.
The one who truly inspired me to pursue psychology as a career was my AP Psychology teacher, Mr. Ferguson. He had no reservations about sharing his opinions, no matter how radical they were; he threw my cell phone in the trash for using it in class with no remorse. Surprisingly, though, we later learned that he was an introvert and hated most social contact; the tough act he put up in class was only that: an act. He made me realize that people are not caricatures, but instead multifaceted beings that have complex motives behind their actions. I wanted to study how the mind worked, how one could fake a persona so perfectly without missing a beat.
At first, I was fascinated by mental disorders. I thought of people who were schizophrenic or antisocial to be different from me. When I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, however, I recognized that my way of thinking was inherently wrong. People began to look at me different because I took medication; I was still the same person, but to them, I was ill, sick, a freak. People I barely knew expressed their opinions freely on my use of medication for my conditions, chastising me for "taking a happiness pill", as if I could choose to be happy on my own. They had no right to dictate how I managed my depression, and I had no right to view people with mental disorders as specimens rather than people.
Though high school and college were certainly difficult with my depression holding me back, I have managed to go to class consistently and finish most of my assignments. Without help from gains in the field of psychology and a supportive counselor, I would most likely still be wallowing in depression without any relief, unable to attend college. A personal interest developed into a passionate enthusiasm as I figured out that I could help others out the same way I was helped.
Psychology has had a personal impact on my life, and through studying the subject, I hope to impact others in their lives. By attending the University of Texas, I will be able to secure an amazing education and eventually attend graduate school.
HI sousuke! I hope I'm not too late to help. I'm EF_Season. I'll respond now... Even if it is too late, at least you'll get some feedback on your writing!
The first paragraph is a funny, likable, introduction to who you are. It clearly reflects a personality and that personality is a likable one, which is good because the people making the selections will want to choose students who collaborate well with others.
How did you come to study Freud? Did you study Freud before or after you met Mr. Ferguson? Was it in his class that you studied Freud? I'm wondering a bit about the order of events in these two paragraphs. What leads to what? How are they organized? I understand how you move from the mental disorders to your own depression but the earlier paragraphs could have a stronger through-line (sequence of events). Did Mr. Ferguson have a mental disorder? (Is that how you move from his faking a persona to your fascination with mental disorders?).
It's interesting. I find myself (in the above paragraph, especially) responding to your essay more as if it were a theatrical monologue than a piece of formal writing. This isn't a bad thing--just an observation. I find myself looking for the "action" and what drives the "action" (instead of the plot) and so forth. That means that your essay reads as if it's meant to be read aloud or heard. SO ... Try reading it aloud to yourself and see if you can hear where you might want to make changes/revisions still. It may be a worthy exercise to do. That's what I would have my First Year students do at the university.
Break a leg (in theatre-speak). :)
