Question: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Could you please advise me how to improve my essay, (what is wrong with it? Does it make sense?) as well as tell me if it is grammatically correct and of appropriate length.
Eager to reacquaint me with the culture and conventions they had left behind in India, my parents urged me to find an outlet that could help me understand my background. When I expressed interest in dance, my parents quickly signed me up to learn traditional Indian dance at a local class. Although I did not know it then, my experiences with dancing would eventually profoundly impact the resolve with which I pursued my dreams as well as the confidence I had in my capabilities.
My first day at dance class did not bring me the 'joy of realizing my background' my parents had assured me it would. Instead, the experience was painful, as my two left feet set me apart awkwardly from the other girls. My stumbling slowed everyone down and could I only imagine the irritation with which everyone viewed my feeble attempts to blend. During the break, I avoided the other girls out of embarrassment and instead wallowed in self-pity, determined to quit the instant my parents arrived. As I timidly told my soon to be ex dance teacher that I could not possibly fit into her cohesive dance class, I expected her to resign my reluctance as just another lost cause. Instead, she asked if I had arrived that day with the intention of satisfying my parents or because I honestly wished to dance. Surprised, and not wanting to lie, I remained silent. Smiling knowingly, she told me to think about it, that I should decide if I was passionate enough to commit my time and effort to doing the best I possibly could at dance.
It took me a mere hour after I arrived home for me to realize that my desire to dance overshadowed my mortification and insecurity of looking asinine. The next week, I walked confidently into the studio, prepared to feel foolish. As I had expected, I did no better than I had the previous week, but even my dance teacher noticed my intense resolve to improve. I came home each week with sore legs and an aching back, but the pain I felt was minute in comparison to the satisfaction I received from successfully integrating myself into the group I had once thought was impermeable. The girls that I had originally viewed with jealousy and inferiority became in just two months, some of my closest friends, and have remained so until this day.
As the newest member of the dance class, I was at first unaware of the importance of the annual FOGANA competition to South Asian dancing community. I quickly learned however, that as the premier dance competition nationally, FOGANA played an integral role in my dance class. Although I did not have enough experience to participate, I could almost taste the tension in the air as my teacher rushed to choose the perfect song and struggled to create immaculate choreography. With only three weeks left until the competition however, one of the girls was forced to drop out because of a severely sprained ankle. Subsequently, I was unexpectedly thrust into vigorous five-day- a-week practices with no time to accustom myself to the new movements. Resolutely believing that extra rehearsal would assist me in making up for a lack of experience and time, I doggedly practiced the routine every night for three weeks. Those three weeks remain one of the most exciting but nerve-wracking periods of my life.
Despite our hard work and dedication, that particular year did not apex in the first place position we had hoped for. Instead, we accepted a reputable third place title with the confidence that we would come back next year with even more strength and assurance. For me, however, this experience represented so much more than just a victory or a loss. I learned the importance of placing dedication and faith into every aspect of my life, school or dance. My hard work garnered me respect amongst my peers and more importantly, taught me that nothing is impossible.
While attending a recent community event with several friends, I found myself eagerly awaiting the start of the dancing portion. As the music began, I realized that one my friends stood to the side, looking upon her surroundings with the same bewilderment I had experienced when I first stepped into my dance teacher's studio. I had unconsciously become part of the same throng I had originally felt so isolated from. Grabbing my friend's hand, I pulled her into the crowd with me; my first FOGANA experience had enlightened me in many ways, but most importantly, it had taught me to keep an open mind to new possibilities and to always have confidence in my abilities, a lesson I was only too willing to pass on to my friend.
Good evening :)
In regards to mechanics, a few suggestions. First, when you use quotation marks such as you did in the second paragraph, make sure you are using the double (") quotation marks. Second: "...of the annual FOGANA competition to the South Asian dancing community."
In regards to content, the intro and conclusion work very well. The introduction does hook your audience, and the conclusion ties up the essay nicely. Overall it is organized well, with good transitions between each paragraph, giving it a nice flow. It is a good response to the prompt. Good job.
Regards,
Gloria
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