Very early draft but tell me what you guys think as well as any spelling/grammatical errors you can catch. Your help is very much appreciated (:
First Gen American
Describe the world you come from- for example, your family, community or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations. My parents have always been there for me. Their support has been over the top; from encouraging me in my education, to cheering me on in soccer, I know I can always count on them. However, having migrated here from another country, there has been a list of disadvantages they just cannot overcome.
My family has taken major risks in order to become what it is today. Both my father and mother immigrated to the US when they were just teenagers becoming adults. As immigrants, life was rough for them. Settling and finding jobs with their broken English and lack of skills was challenging. Even so, this has not stopped them from working hard in each and everything they do. Attempting to provide the very best for me and my siblings, they knew these hardships would all be worth it. Seeing both my parents toil for every cent has made me respect the value of both money and hard work.
Money has been a more than a struggle in my family. Working long hours with miniscule pay, my parents have had trouble sustaining a family as big as ours.These financial burdens have affected me my whole life. Though this is a topic my parents are not fond of speaking of, I have been old enough to realize these problems and potential risks of them. Because of this, I took it upon myself to get a job at the local swap meet over the weekends. It was the only job I could get and though it would put other things like my studies and sports on a tighter schedule, I had to do it. I did not earn much but I knew that being able to at least sustain myself so my parents would not have to would help them tremendously.
Apart from this, life at home had not been a breeze either. In our family of six, it was and still is been difficult for all my siblings to get the help they each desire. Working long hours to support us, our parents often just do not have the time. Besides this, having little experience with English makes it challenging to not only comprehend, but actually but actually help us with things such as homework. Being the oldest child in the family, I know I must put my priorities on hold and put this weight on my shoulders . From babysitting, to helping my brother with his Algebra homework, to picking my sisters up from school, my attempts to aid my family in any possible way have been vast.
Going to college is an education my parents can only dream of. Although they did not have the fortune of going to a university, I am determined to be the first in my family to do so. Having little school experience their lives have been harder then they should be. Because of this, they have stressed the importance of a good education towards me for as long as I can remember. They continuously tell me to always strive for the best no matter how difficult it may seem. They know through their experiences that this perseverance will all be worth it in the long run. I now know the value of a good education as well as the benefits that will come along with it.
My parents and their background has shaped me into the person I am today. I take pride in who I am and can thank them all for it. They have taught me to and work hard in every aspect of life and take advantage of every single opportunity you get. After I become the first in my family to receive a degree, I hope to one day give back to my mother and father for all they did for me.
Brian, I know you want the comments on your essay to include grammatical and sentence structure error corrections right from the start. However, I believe that those can be left for the latter part of editing the essay because the most important part of the essay is the topic or theme that you want to get across to the Admissions Officer. The words that you used in the essay could change depending upon the reviews we give so grammar advice is something I usually save for later. That said, I would like to comment on the content of your essay.
I see that your parents had a very hard time adjusting to life in the United States as migrant workers. However, you strongly pointed out towards the end of your essay that you parents taught you the value of hard work and taking the opportunities that come your way. If I were the Admissions Officer, I would like to see more of that story in your essay. The story of your parents taking the opportunities that came their way and their work ethic that has made you the person you are today. Don't dwell too much on the hardship of your parents. Instead, paint them and the world you grew up in with an inspirational theme. By doing so, you will have created a strong image of the kind of parents that you have and an inspiring tale from the world you come from. As of now, the essay seems to exist too much in the world of negativity, even with your experiences. Try to paint the situation in a better light in order to show an inspiring side to your personality that could attract the Admissions Officer's attention to your application.
Should you decide to take my advice, we can work on polishing the theme and content of the essay as we correct the grammar and any other problems that might arise during editing.
