My first major success in high school was my qualification to the national phase of the 2008 Mathematics Olympiad. Now, two and a half years later and after another two participations in the national phase of the forementioned olympiad, this performance seems relatively easy to attain. However, I didn't have this feeling back in early 2008.
I was standing in my dorm room on the first day of the national phase, tired after a 9-hour journey by train, my bags still unpacked. I couldn't believe that I was finally there, after two years of trying and failing to qualify. And then, thoughts and memories started crossing my mind, taking me to a time and place not very far away.
After a rather hard time qualifying for the regional phase, I didn't have much of a resolve. I thought, "What is meant to be WILL happen regardless of my actions." But on one of the following days, my Mathematics teacher told me he saw potential in me. He told me that I had to strive harder and tap into that potential, because I would be capable of great performances.
That was the spark that set me alight; I started setting up the information for the greater problem: the qualification. I made a plan. Given little more than a month, resources and resolve, I had to find a way to qualify for the national phase.
As my resolve grew, so did my worries. I had to score at least 14 points out of 28 and earn a place at the top of the roster, among the first 13 people. Saturday, March 1st, would be my D-Day, a time for me to stand strong and prove my worth. Surprisingly, that day came rather quickly.
After I arrived at the high school where the contest would take place, the daunting feeling I had been having for the last few days started to fade away. Upon receiving the problem sheet, I felt inspired. I knew I could solve the problems and qualify for the next stage.
At one point, I felt frustrated. No matter how I tried to approach the last problem, I just couldn't reach the conclusion. All of a sudden, serendipity hit me and with it, the realization that I had to look at the big picture and stop being so fastidious. All I had to do in order to reach the conclusion was a simple subtraction.
After the competition had ended, I went home to get some rest. I returned later to see the results. I had scored 13 points and was on the twelfth place, along with other four boys from other high schools. Knowing I was one point away from a qualification didn't really feel rosy. Nevertheless, on Monday I filled a complaint asking for a reevaluation of my paper.
I was told that the final decisions would be made public on Thursday. On Wednesday, however, I had a surprise. My teacher told me that the jury had decided to give me that final sought-after point, securing me a place in Bucharest's team for the national phase of the Olympiad. My happiness could not be described.
That was the first stop on the road that hard work, commitment and inspiration had taken me on. It gave me all the satisfaction I wanted and much more. But that was just the first qualification.
The fight was far from over.
What do you think? Does it have enough cohesion so as to flow smoothly? Are the topic and approach I've taken OK? What is your overall opinion on it?
Keep in mind that this is only the first draft.
I think your essay flows smoothly. It also fits witht the prompt because this is a challenge you've experienced and you made it through successfully.
The only thing I would try and change is the wording of this sentence: My happiness could not be described. Maybe something like, I was indescribably happy...(or something similar, just to create better cohesion).
Also, generally, contractions (couldn't, didn't) are better left as two words. But there would be no real problem keeping them the way you have them.
Overall , I think your personal statement was fine.
One small thing
Nevertheless, on Monday I filledfiled *Just 1 L* a complaint asking for a reevaluation of my paper.
That was the only thing I noticed for the most part your diction and syntax was appropriate. Maybe you could take a look at my personal statement if you have time.
...taking me to a time and place not very far away.--- At this point, at the end of the first para, I feel a little lost. It makes me wonder what you are getting at, what theme you are promoting.
Can you add a thesis statement at the end of para #1 or the beginning of para #2?
Also, this is an unnecessary detail: I was told that the final decisions would be made public on Thursday. On Wednesday, however, I had a surprise. You have a great way of writing, but I am having trouble identifying the central truth behind it all, so I want to see less of these confusing details.
Like I said, you told the story in an impressive way. I just hope you can give some more discussion of the "moral of the story" or the universal truth that can be learned from this experience. More dicussion of the significance of it for your college major or your career. :-)
