Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
As I slowly crept along the dimly lit passage, it finally hit me. My companions immediately disappeared from my foggy view; I stood alone with nothing but my pounding heart and a large, dark object I could no longer decipher. And although the undecipherable object was slowly injecting a cold, serene fear into my pulsating heart, I continued to gently push it along. I came closer to the only visible source of illumination for as far as I could see; and yet, I did not rejoice at the dim source of light, what many would have considered a beacon of hope; instead an even deeper sense of despair slowly slinked into my unconceivable body. And then...
Bam!
My large, then clearly conceivable body toppled to the ground. Was it a manic shoelace? Was it a surreptitious twig? Was it an ill-tempered friend? I could barely stand, let alone comprehend my assailant. I mustered up what little strength I had and quickly got to my feet. My companions and I shared a quick laugh and we continued on. As my feet finally touched the moist platform that was this foreign football field, I realized why my heart had dripped with pure agony. My hands trembled as I swiftly set up my instrument and made sure that every aspect of my upcoming performance would be just right. Was I ready? Sure. Was I nervous? Absolutely. Just moments later I would find out which of those was the determining factor in this performance.
The drum major counted us off and we began, it was at that instant that my body, mind, and soul underwent a dramatic and powerful transformation. I was no longer the petrified, fledgling musician. I no longer trembled at the sight of the hundreds of people gathered in front of me. I was a virtuoso and nothing could drag down my kindred spirit. My marimba acted as the vehicle of this transformation, as my mallets carefully hit each note with grace and vigor. It mattered not that it was my first performance, it mattered not that there were so many chances for mistakes or that it was not only I who was capable of those mistakes, but 75 others who were in the same position as me. And yet, none of these things affected me, I was alive and there was no stopping the sheer passion that was emanating from my body and being emblazoned into my music.
The passion that was seared into me on that night never left. From that day on I was invigorated with a sense of passion and zeal to rival that of even the most devoted zealot. This fervor carried over not only in my musical presence, but every facet of my life. I pursued activities I was previously fearful of pursuing. I was successful at endeavors that I had previously failed. My life was enriched by the experience, and I would never be the same again. I was a virtuoso of life and passion and commitment began to rule every decision that I have come to make.
This was an essay I wrote over the summer for a summer assignment. It is a prompt from the common app. I was just wondering if it was good enough, considering I wrote it as an assignment, not knowing it would be the essay I could use for college admissions.
clearly conceivable body ----conceivable does not make sense here.
nothing could drag down my kindred spirit. ---What do you think kindred means? You should google it.
Here is a sentence that carries no meaning because it basically says you had more zeal than a zealot... From that day on I was invigorated with a sense of passion and zeal to rival that of even the most devoted zealot.
I pursued activities I was previously fearful of pursuing, such as _____, ______, and _______.
The ending is great! And now that I got the criticism out of the way, I can tell you your writing style is really cool. You should feel confident about writing! When someone is naturally a poetic communicator, sometimes they use words that sound great but do not actually mean what they are being used to mean. That is a bad habit you should avoid... If you don't know what kindred and conceivable mean, don't use them! :-) Google the stuff you do not know so your excellent writing style will never be undermined by inappropriate word use.
:-)
