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My very first random act of kindness; U WISCONSIN-MADISON/ Unnoticed, but important


pqahpikachu 3 / 6 1  
Dec 27, 2012   #1
hi guys! i'm a new member here and i need some serious help from u guys. i'm applying to wisconsin madison as international undergraduate and got this essay prompt:

1. Consider something in your life you think goes unnoticed and write about why it's important to you.

so i need u guys to help check my respond here (english is not my native language). please help me... TT^TT

Act of Kindness



When I was about 5 years old, I experienced my very first random act of kindness. I was sitting at the roadside on one evening, crying alone for some reason when suddenly, a boy came up to me and gave me a plastic rose. I remember the moment when I took the rose from his hand; I was smiling from ear to ear, whispering "I want to be like him" to myself as I watched him walking away. From then on, I made it as my life mission to do random acts of kindness whenever I can. I was very determined to make other people smile. That was the sole reason why I joined my school's Red Crescent Society and became a volunteer. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks in the same way I did. Whenever I do something nice to others, people around me will start to judge my actions. Often I will just keep quiet and ignore what they say, but every once in a while, they do drive me up the wall. These people like to complain on how humans nowadays are lacking of humanities and compassion. However, when they actually see somebody doing a good deed in front of them, they start to question and criticize that person's honesty. Nothing is ever right to these guys, but it does not mean that they are the bad people here. Perhaps it is the increasing crime rate and the never-ending rat race that caused them to be so suspicious to nice strangers -and any strangers at that too. In other words, people nowadays have lost sight of the real meaning of kindness and just let it go unnoticed. That is why I think random acts of kindness are really important. These selfless acts are not only capable of bringing joy to the recipients but also to the givers. Because of this, I want to help spread the idea of these random acts to the whole world. I want to show the people how the little things they give could make a big difference in someone else's life. I want everyone to experience the same kind of happiness I have once had. If everyone learn to give sincerely without expecting anything in return, it is possible for us to live in a world where we can share all the happiness in the world without the worries of paranoia between us. Hopefully, when that day comes, I will still be alive to experience it. For now, I just hope that I could keep on continuing my journey to bring smiles to other people's lives and maybe, along the way, I will get to meet that same boy I met 13 years ago.
sogoldman 6 / 21 2  
Dec 27, 2012   #2
for some reason

Not necessary

I made it as my life mission to do random acts of kindness whenever I can.

I vowed to perform random acts of kindness where ever I could.

I was very determined to make other people smile.

You still are determined! "I have always been determined to make others smile"

Unfortunately, not everyone thinks in the same way I did

Unfortunately, not everyone shares my beliefs.

they do drive me up the wall

This metaphor is overused. You should just say that they get to you or hurt you.

it does not mean that they are the bad people here

but they are not bad people

the never-ending rat race

To what "rat race" are you referring? You need to be specific when mentioning things like rat races. Furthermore, "rat race" is another stale cliche. It would be better to simply state a specific difficulty that people are facing.

suspicious to nice strangers -and any strangers at that too.

suspicious of strangers--even nice ones

That is why I think random acts of kindness are really important.

What is why? Your prior sentence does not explain why kindness is important. You can get rid of this sentence, because you explain at the beginning your inspiration for sharing kindness.

These selfless acts are not only capable of bringing joy to the recipients but also to the givers.

This is an interesting idea. You could explain it a bit more.

I want to show the people how the little things they give could make a big difference in someone else's life.

How would you show this? Do you have a specific example? You need evidence to back this up.

it is possible for us to live in a world where we can share all the happiness in the world without the worries of paranoia between us

it is possible for us to share happiness and forget paranoia

Hopefully, when that day comes, I will still be alive to experience it.

This is unnecessary. I think it is very obvious that you want to see this happen; you don't need to overemphasize this idea.

and maybe, along the way, I will get to meet that same boy I met 13 years ago.

You should not say this. It sounds immature.

Overall, this essay is very sweet. You share some lovely ideas. However, this essay could benefit from some organization. Paragraphs wouldn't hurt. Furthermore, you need to provide evidence (in the form of personal examples, specific anecdotes, etc) for your claims. For example, when you say that people are suspicious, describe a SPECIFIC time in which your actions went unappreciated.

Good luck!

(Could you please edit one of my essays? Thanks!)


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