Hi, I am applying to numerous art colleges for BFA and want to major in fashion.
This is the general Personal Statement that I'm sending to most colleges with few alterations. Can you please point out any errors or grammatical mistakes in this? Other opinions and suggestions are also welcome!
This is my first essay, so please be gentle! :)
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I was very young when I received my first set of crayons. Neatly lined up in colorful rows, they gleamed and winked at me through the transparent sheath on the pack, like some bright eyed conspirators. With them I animatedly set out to squiggle over every flat surface I encountered; the back of story books, newspapers, the floor and even the walls! And thus began my long term affair with art.
Art has always been an integral part of my life. My entire school life seems to have passed by in a flurry of art competitions and cultural activities. Whether it was glass painting on all jars and pots for festivals or decorating numerous softboards for competitions as a junior, I have always been involved in some artistic endeavor or another. In my senior year I was made the President of the Art Club. Heading an entire club in a school with more than 8000 students gave me the rush of exhilaration that stimulated me to perform well. Working in a team of several members served as a great learning experience, teaching me to respect different opinions, perform under the pressure of deadlines, and work together in unison.
I have been very passionate about fashion since an early age and want to pursue the same in college. For me, my art and fashion are closely intertwined, as I seldom make a fashion sketch without attending to the artistic element of it and vice-versa. One of my earliest childhood memories is of holding many imaginary fashion shows with my Barbie dolls. Never satisfied with the dresses that came with the pack, I tried to make Barbie dresses on my own. I would spend hours wrapping little scraps of cloth around the tiny figures, and then trying to sow them together. So naturally, when I got the opportunity to work for the ____________ as an Event Executive for the ___________ Fashion Week, it was like a dream come true. This spectacular chance provided me with hands-on experience, and gave me a fair idea of what my life in the fashion industry would be like.
Your esteemed institution has a reputation for brilliance, and by attending ______ I hope to gain immense knowledge and experience from distinguished professionals. Being a part of the fashion industry is a dream of mine and with your help I will be able to achieve this dream. As an artist, one is constantly growing and evolving all the time and ________, with its excellent resources, facilities and renowned faculty, can aid me very beneficially in this process. Through your college I hope to develop my creative skills, acquire necessary exposure and expand my horizons. ________, I believe, can open a whole new world of opportunities for me.
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I feel that its a little awkward in places. Am I referring to my childhood and past too much?
Also, should I elaborate more on the 3rd para, where I'm describing my high school accomplishments?
In the last para, the very last lines, I know it might sound a little stilted and disconnected, but this is the emotion I want to convey... How do I make it more natural and fluid, but without changing the last line? so that the entire thing falls together in consonnance without sounding stilted?
Since I'm applying for a major in fashion, do I make it more fashion-centered?
The word limit is 500 words, but I have exceeded it by 78 words! Is it all right to extend the limit by a few words, or does one have to strictly adhere to the word limit? If the latter, then how do I edit the whoe essay, without changing the basic emotion?
thanks a lot! Any help will be much appreciated!
oh, and what did you think of the overall essay? ;) :)
I really like it, but if i was a reader reading just the essay I wouldnt have known until the fourth paragraph that you would be majoring in fashion. For this reason, I think its safe to say that yes, you do mention your past of painting too much. So your first line should mention something of fashion in one way or another. You can mention how you were excited by the detail that painting required, which is also required in fashion.
Mentioning your accomplishments is good. Tell how you got involved in the programs you mention in the fourth paragraph.
There are grammatical errors that should be corrected and some things could be phrased differently such as:
I participated in the ________ advertising agency add campaign for their client ________, I realised the how different things become when one has to write according to a given brief and in a given period of time.
Staying within the word limit I would say it critical, but the 78 additional words can probably be removed from the second paragraph.
As far as the closing line...it does sound kind of weird. Brainstorm on how you could say what you are trying to say but from a different stand point.
hey, Krystal, thanks a lot for taking out time for going through my essay...! I will try to make it more fashion oriented, list my achievements and update it soon.
Thanks agan! :)
I still feel there is something incomplete here, but I just can't point out what...
And does the Barbie part sound too childish? do i change it?
I don't know how to make smooth transitions from para to para, can you see if anything sounds awkawrd? if it does, then how do i smoothit out..?
feel free to give any suggestions! :)
thanks!
And thus began my long term affair with art.
This is beautiful writing. I got to the end of the first paragraph and had to stop to tell you I like it...
Art has always been an integral part of my life. ---There is a lot wrong with this sentence, but only because I am so opinionated. I don't like integral, and I don't like "has always been." They seem like cliches...
But seriously, that sentence gets the paragraph going in a slow way.
And does the Barbie part sound too childish? do i change it?
Yes, that whole para is unworthy of being in the same essay as the brilliant intro you wrote. I don't get much from that second para. I say you should replace it with an intellectual discussion of some concepts in art... concepts written about in professional journals... concepts studied in college.
Anyway, this is great, and the ending is great. You are a writer!
