This is my personal statement! I'm on a short-time leash. Please help me ASAP. All criticism, feedback is welcome THANK YOU in advance
Taking my first step out the airport, I am instantly hit with the abnormal smell of smoke, gas, and something else that I couldn't describe. The heavily polluted air that I was inhaling made me cough. The fatigue from my fourteen hour flight instantly perished. As I looked around I could see the multitude of people awaiting the arrival of their loved ones. The peculiar image of the relatively abandoned airport flashed in my head. Although it was atypical, I didn't inquire why this was occurring. Despite my emigration, I wasn't oblivious to what was occurring in my home country. Ever since the outset of the revolution, things have dramatically changed, including increased security measures. My family and I finally make our way to the bus. As we finished packing our belongings in, the driver slides the door to close, commencing my journey in Egypt.
As I looked out the window, I witnessed streets jam packed with cars aggressively honking, swarms of individuals walking around, ginormous piles of garbage piled high in the middle of sidewalks. The feeling of being confined and crowded suddenly apprehended me. To be in a country where not only is driving ciaos but where precedents are not set. Streets are deprived of lights, stop signs, and even cross walks for pedestrians. The sight of innocent disheveled children with ripped clothes and dirty faces begging for money tore my heart apart. Goose bumps crawled up my skin when a disabled man sitting on the filthy streets looked me right in the eye with fear and helplessness as I passed him by. Teenagers and infants roamed the streets selling napkins in order to survive. Without a substantial amount of money in the country you will suffer.
Education there is poor compared to the education I receive here in the U.S. In addition many people are unemployed because the incompetent government doesn't provide jobs for the growing population. There are people who live in houses that they make themselves, out of brick or clothes and sticks. Any side walk or corner is an open market for those who would like to sell food there, unlicensed. Being that the government is corrupt, the country as a whole is also corrupted. Even after the abominable revolution, where lives were lost, blood was shed and tears were cried, everything still seems to remain the same.
I can candidly say this was one of the most heart breaking experiences I've ever experienced in my life. Following my visit, I made an oath to myself promising that I would strive for nothing less than greatness. Looking back at my past years of high school and seeing the failure that I've embraced appalls me. Thousands of people there and around the world wish to have the opportunities that I am offered, the opportunity to live adequately, and receive a sufficient education. I hadn't realized how much I've taken for granted until then. I am filled with the deepest regret and sorrow. I've been efficiently working in school striving for success. I've realized that it's either now or never. I will pick myself up and strive for what I want. I want success, I want a future, I want an excellent career that I'll enjoy. And I will always aim higher to be better, because good isn't good enough. Even if you are great, you can always become greater. Thank you Egypt, for providing me with a wakeup call.
Shahinda, this is a very interesting personal statement to read. However, unless you let us know the exact requirements of the personal essay prompt, we cannot really tell if the essay falls within the essay guidelines and answers the prompt in the correct manner. You see, the content of your essay, the theme upon which it is based, depends upon the question posed and how you are expected to answer it. If you can provide that to us, we can offer a better than superficial review of your essay. We will be able to give you the proper advice about how to further improve it. Believe me, there is room for improvement in the essay, we just need to know which parts to improve and which parts to remove and the prompt will help us decide upon that. Any grammatical problems can be cleared up once we are sure that the content and theme of the paper is properly addressed :-)
Thank you so much for your response.
My teacher was telling me there shouldn't be a specific prompt.. So I won't on writing accordingly.
But looking at prompts, I believe it might fall between these:
1.Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. what do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?
2.Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adult hood within your culture, community, or family.
Shaninda, the personal statement that you wrote does not answer of the two prompts that you think it can be used for. However, now that I know that your teacher said there will be not be a prompt requirement, I believe I can help you better direct it now. For a personal statement, you want to get the admissions officer to get to know who you are. As an immigration story, the essay is incomplete. It talks about what you saw and very little about how it affected you as a person. This is the problem with the essay. A personal statement, by the context of the word personal, should talk about you on a deeper level. That is why I suggest that you write this essay on more serious level using a prompt that I will provide to you. It may just help bring out the personal connection you have to your immigration to Egypt and the reason for your future. Here is your prompt as I see it:
Some students today move from their homeland to a new country in the hopes of a better future. It could be because your parents decided the move was best for everyone, or because they had no other choice. Tell us your story. How does the combined influence of your old and new world inspire you to strive for a better future? How do yo u hope to achieve that?
I believe that this is the story you are trying to tell. You just need to be guided in how to tell it properly :-)
