. I strongly believe that the University of Illinois's Finance Program can provide unparalleled education and ample resources to aspiring money managers. The various finance related clubs, internship opportunities, study abroad locations, and impressive list of highly competent professors absolutely captivate me.
This is nicely written, but it is general stuff that you could say about almost any school. It would be great if you could expound a plan that involves the specific resources and professors at this school. What makes this school better than similar options?
No other University in the state of Illinois provides such a rich domain for which I am passionate in. ----oh, I see... this is geting specific now. You want to remain in IL, and this school has all the others beat. That is pretty good.
Reinforce the message of this essay by stating 5 or 6 specific goals you have for the next 2 years. Show that you are being proactive about gaining expertise.
:-)