Please review my essay? The problem I always have is that my essays turn out too generic. How can I fix this?
Many students decide to apply to Emory College based on our size, location, reputation, and yes, the weather. Besides these valid reasons for making Emory College a possible college choice, why is Emory College a particularly good match for you?
I first heard of Emory when a classmate mentioned that a friend had just been accepted to the college. The response she received consisted of "Wow"s, "Good for her"s and "That's impressive"s. At that moment I wanted to be this mysterious Emory freshman-to-be. I wanted to be talked about in this way when I was in college.
That day I went home and researched Emory, and I certainly was impressed. At first, I felt only a superficial attraction, but as I dug deeper, I grew more and more attached to the college. It seemed perfect in every aspect, from the world renowned professors and 7:1 student to faculty ratio, to the incredible study abroad program.
I was impressed by the Presidential Award for General Community Service that the university won in 2008. Being actively involved in community service has made me realise how much of an importance it holds in my life, and the community service opportunities at Emory, particularly The SPAN project, appealed to me greatly.
Emory's other major hook was its diversity and open-mindedness. I have lived all my life in the ostensibly secular India, where, in truth, animosity exists between every community and religion. It would be refreshing for me to finally be exposed to an environment devoid of social stigma, and to be able to associate with people from a variety of backgrounds and cultures. The diversity of the campus would open my eyes to new ideas, and at the same time make me feel welcome and at home.
Emory College would provide me with the intellectual stimulation I crave, and mold me into the person I aspire to be, and I can think of no better place to spend the next four years of my life.
Since the prompt says to show a different reason why you would choose Emory, I think you should put more focus on the diversity/open mindedness portion of your essay and make that a bigger theme, as opposed to talking about the awards it has won. You might even want to make it the entire focus of the essay, maybe go into more detail on an example(s) of the animosity between communities and religions. Talking about your times in India will help you stand out more and show the diversity and culture you could bring to the school.
"...service has made me realise how much of an importance..."
change the red to "realize"
Thanks for the advice! I had actually planned on making the diversity portion the entire focus of the essay but everyone knows that a lot of American colleges have diverse student bodies, and I wanted to include something that was a little more Emory specific.. That's why I decided to include the community service bit. Is it really that irrelevant? Because if it is I'll definitely do away with it.
And about 'realise'.. that's actually the British spelling. Since I've grown up learning according to the British system, I find it difficult to switch to American spellings. I've consistently used British spelling in all my essays so I hope it's okay.
I wanted to include something that was a little more Emory specific.
That is very smart. Always show an AO reader or potential employer that you are a person with a plan and that YOU CHOSE THEM because of the way they fit with your plan.
That part at the beginning is cool and interesting, but I hope the reader does not get turned off by the nonstandard pluralization of those phrases... well, I was going to say you could take the s's out and it would be better, but I really like it with those s's... I just hope the reader can appreciate innovative writing.
I bet they will appreciate it...
At that moment I wanted to be this mysterious Emory freshman-to-be.
I wanted to be talked about in this way when I was in college. Replace this with a sentence about how Emory fits with your own plan, in addition to being a school that will make people proud of you like they were proud of her.
:-)
