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"First Tee" Essay, Replay, Relax, Ready, and Redo (Community)


monkeymaze 7 / 15  
Jan 31, 2011   #1
Hi,
First of all, thank you for editing this essay. I think I still need some help with grammatical errors and repetitive words. Thank you again!

Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)

"Just keep the 4 R's in mind: Replay, Relax, Ready, and Redo. Focus on how you are going to hit this shot and forget about your mistakes on the previous hole. Most importantly, believe in yourself," I said to Anthony as he prepared for his tee-shot onto a challenging green surrounded by hazards, hoping to score his lowest round of golf. From my experiences as an avid volunteer coach of the First Tee program, such as teaching golf to students like Anthony, I have developed a strong sense of belonging to this organization.

Having volunteered for five years at the First Tee, a program which helps students form their moral characteristics while teaching the game of golf, I have met many students who shared the same passion in golf as me. These students, like Anthony, constantly find time in their busy schedules to practice golf and ask me for advice at the First Tee. Their actions reveal that they look to me for guidance and also as their pillar of support. This encouraged me to be mindful of others and develop a positive outlook in all life situations.

With my school's motto, "men and women with and for others," at heart, I wanted to contribute back to my school and to the First Tee by starting the first Golf Outing Club, which provides opportunities for students to engage in the sport and to volunteer for the First Tee program. At the same time, I arranged several golf fundraisers to raise money to support the cause of the First Tee program.
Belle15 5 / 11  
Feb 3, 2011   #2
Hey thanks for correcting my essay, i stopped by to check for errors but according to what I know in writting wrtting skills, yours seems pretty good. Actually reading yours looks like you have more experience in your writting skills than I do, im a bilingual student, i still need get lots of help when writting something. sorry i could not correct your paper, but it sounds good;)
EF_Susan - / 2,364 12  
Feb 7, 2011   #3
Wow, I think the weakest part of the essay is that motto... "men and women with and for others,"---It should probably have its first word capitalized, but that is not why I don't like it. It is... sort of meaningless. Why specify men and women as though there is some other gender from which we are distinguishing men and women? What is 'with and for others' if not an overly fancy way to say something simple? I understand the notion of "service" and "commitment to the common good," but.. I don't get the significance of that fancy preposition footwork, with and for...

But I know you did not write that motto, so I don't blame you for it! You write very well...

A couple places you can cut words: At the same time, I arranged several golf fundraisers to raise money to support the cause of the First Tee program.

contribute back to my school...

:-)


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