Would someone mind critiquing my essay for the common application essay option #1. I appreciate any feedback that can help make my essay better.
Question:
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
Essay:
My first time.
As i stared back at the one person who really mattered, i could feel my heart pounding.
The terror but excitment, was ready to entangle all of my emotions. "My first time," I said to myself, as
shivers traveled down my spine. The eyes staring back at me, telling me that they were ready. As i took one, deep
breath, my arms went straight above my head. The biggest smile that i could conjure at the moment spread across my face.
The world spun around me like never before. Maybe it was my fear, maybe it was the adrenaline, but whatever it was,
i knew that the feeling was within. No one else could see what i saw, feel what i felt, or experience what i was going through.
I was finally on top, shaking beyond belief as the nerves within my body felt like a hurricane. My toes were pointed the
entire time as my body remained as calm as i could get it to be.
My first move was to balance and smile at the judge. Her smile back allowed me to see what she was thinking. I could tell
in her eyes that she knew I was nervous. She may not have known that this was the first time that I was competing on a
gymastics team, but She could tell that i was trying my hardest to be majestic and fluent. Most of all, she could tell that I
was trying my hardest to get my routine over with.
I did my first few jumps with confidence. They were something I had practiced all my life and did with ease. Next came the
oh so dreaded cartwheel that I did not have a lot of experience with. I would love to say that i landed my cartwheel with
perfection, but that is just simply not how life works out. Everyone strives for perfection, but in reality, there is not a
single person on the face of this Earth who is perfect. That is the beauty of human nature, as well as the beaty of gymnastics.
Gymastics is about perfecting the control of your body. This sport brings out how a person feels and demonstrates
it to who ever may be watching. On that day of my first competition, so many of my emotions were expressed.
Even while I messed up a few of the moves that I had practiced over and over again, I was proud of myself.
Gymnastics has taught me that imperfections are really what make people perfect. When I feel perfect is when I try my hardest,
but still recognize the mistakes i have made. Mistakes are there to for people to learn, and that is really what gymanstics
is all about.
Gymnastics has helped me learn how to deal with my life. Grades can not always add up to 100 percent. Of course that
is what most students strive for, but to get a perfect score every single time is highly unlikely. As long as i have tried my
hardest and put forth my biggest efforts, I can say that i did perfectly, whether the grade reflects this perfection or not.
Along with trying to reach perfection, the motives of gymnastics have taught me a lot. Whenever an opportunity comes
to try something new, no matter if i am nervous or unsure of myself, i almost always try it. This is due to my first
time. The insecurities that take over my body when handed new, unfamiliar tasks remind me of the time when i first looked at
that judge. Then i reflect my feelings from after the competition, and how proud of myself I was that i had tried something
new, despite my fears.
This is very strong, just a bit wordy at times. For example:
Her answering smile back allowed me to seetold me what she was thinking. I could tell
in her eyes thatS he knew I was nervous. She may not have known that this was the first time that I was competing on a
gymastics team, but She could tell thatI was trying my hardest to be majestic and fluent.
Next came the oh so dreaded cartwheel that I did not have a lot of experience with .
& etc.
Use the space you save by cutting such verbiage to say more about the impact of this experience on you.
Thanks for the imput, and yea i tend to do that sometime. It's kind of hard for me to be short and concise when im so used to trying to make essays and papers as long as possible ha. but thanks again, ill go over that.
I like this piece. You show how something unique to you, gymnastics, has had a specific impact on you as a person.
But I do think that you could improve on the impact part of this prompt. You spend about 3 paragraphs talking about gymnastics in general-- make this more concise. Instead of spending about 2 paragraphs on the impact, take more time and really delve into it. Give more details on how gymnastics has helped create you, as a person.
Good job, though! This is a great start.
Yea I was concerned with the "personal" part compared to the gymnastics descriptions. I will definitely change that. And with the capital and lowercase "I's," I wasnt going to leave it like that lol. I don't have microsoft word on this computer up here, so I wrote it semi-quickly on notepad. I wasn't finished editing the grammar. But thanks everyone! All of this advice is very helpful!
