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My first two paragraphs for my UC prompt


shadejade 4 / 19  
Oct 25, 2009   #1
I have always been a timid and ambitious person, but for these past few years, I have wanted to break out of my shell and start to enjoy life. I am ready to attend college and be successful. Although, I know getting there will not be easy. I come from a single parent home, and no one in my family has ever attained more than a high school diploma.

The community I come from is good, I have always had a nice home and attended a good school. When I was young, because of my extreme shyness, I missed out on a lot of things, never joined any groups or made many friends. The one thing I could always count on was school. For my elementary and middle school years I attended a one of the best schools. It was very small, which probably contributed to why I was so shy. I loved going to school and learning new things, always feeling I was smart and could do whatever I desired. Until I entered high school, I didn't know how hard it would be to get accepted into college.

nadabatu 3 / 8  
Oct 25, 2009   #2
Hi!

What is your prompt?

It was very small, which probably contributed to why I was so shy.

This is one of the many places where you reference your shyness. I think that you might not need this bit. I get the picture that you were shy and that resulted in missed opportunities and lack of many friends. Your last sentence makes me wonder what the prompt for this essay is.

Good job so far!
OP shadejade 4 / 19  
Oct 25, 2009   #3
The prompt is Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
jessybomb16 1 / 2  
Oct 25, 2009   #4
"For my elementary and middle school years I attended a one of the best schools."
You could rewrite this with something along the lines of
"During my elementary and middle school years I attended one of the best schools..(where? in the city, in the state?)"
Your language is a little simplistic, but I think can be developed into a very good essay :)
good job :)
OP shadejade 4 / 19  
Oct 31, 2009   #5
Ok thanks, I just rewrote the whole thing.


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