Here is my Second UC prompt response; please give any suggestions:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?
I edited my essay a little more so here is a re-edited version. Once again, please give any suggestions. Thanks!
The sheer anticipation of my first-ever vacation stretched each minute of my trans-Atlantic plane flight to eternities. I tried to occupy my self by flipping through a phrasebook, but I eventually resigned myself to staring out the window and visualizing my European destination. Mentally exhausted with excitement, I arrived at the airport of Nuremberg, Germany where my brother, my mom, and I reunited with my dad who had been staying in Germany for the past two months. We headed to a quaint outskirt of Nuremberg called Erlangen. As soon as I had settled into the apartment, I stepped outside to wander the streets of this alien city. The cobblestone streets promoted the most popular mode of transportation, walking, and the gothic-style architecture made the town seem from another time. As I walked, a surge of self-consciousness flooded my dazed and jetlagged mind and I began to imagine myself to be one of those boorish, culturally ignorant American tourists from the stereotypes. At this point, I had come to a crossroads, should I continue meandering through the streets, or return to the relative comforts of my apartment? A couple of deep breaths were enough to tuck my worries back into the depths of my mind. Thus, I continued my explorations.
I ambled along, a picture of wonder and awe painted across my face. However, my reservations slowly seeped back in. Coincidentally, I noticed two brilliant golden arches in all their glorious familiarity. I exhaled deeply as though some great burden had been lifted from my shoulders, and I entered the McDonalds with mixed feelings of relief and self-disappointment. Though the restaurant was filled with a demographic similar to the outside, I still felt some sort of bond with the rest of the customers driven by a shared appreciation for unhealthy, processed foods. Waiting in the queue along with my newfound compatriots, I decided what to eat. When my turn came, I stepped towards the cashier and recited my order. There was a pause. I was about to repeat myself when it dawned upon me that the cashier and I were separated by a barrier of language. Embarrassed, I looked behind me to see a crowd of unsympathetic eyes some of them clearly annoyed at the few minutes they were surely about to lose. I began to stammer out a phrase I vaguely recalled from the phrasebook, but the adrenaline pumping through my veins made the text seem even more distant.
"Sprechen Sie Englisch?" I asked, hoping I had remembered the words correctly.
"Nicht." The cashier sharply replied.
I was doomed. Then, the man standing behind me cleared his throat and muttered something undecipherable in German to the cashier. As though some magic spell had been cast, the cashier began to type in my order. I paid and I was waved away from the line to wait for my food. After the man who had been behind me ordered, he approached me and explained that he had ordered for me, his accent only slightly hinting at his German ethnicity. I thanked him and we parted ways when I retrieved my food.
I began to eat, pondering the scene that had just unfolded. The man's small act of compassion had a greater impact on me than he could have ever known. In a flash of insight I realized I was wrong to seek familiarity in my new surroundings. After all, diversity can only be appreciated when one learns about the cultures of other people. I vowed to wholeheartedly study my surroundings with an open mind and even to this day I have become more accepting of the differences of those around me.
First, I think you do a bit of switching tenses throughout the essay from past to present so check for that.
Few grammatical errors with phrases that are kinda hard to understand
Ok, Im going to take a big guess of what your theme is: Came from multi-cultural world influenced you to major in international affairs.
I think you do a fairly good job on describing your multi-cultural world but I can't find any of "how" it shaped your dream. In fact, I think your entire essay is describing your world and answering what your dream is at the end.
Hope this helps.
TheFlameProof!! What you quoted! Isn't that my essay??!?!
Heyy I'm not exactly an expert on critiquing essays so bear with me here =)
Your first paragraph: when I read it, I had a picture in my mind. "past two months. We headed to a quaint outskirt of Nuremberg called Erlangen. As soon as I had settled into the apartment, I stepped outside to wander the streets of this alien city. The cobblestone streets promoted the most popular mode of transportation, walking, and the gothic-style architecture made the town seem from another time. As I walked, a surge of self-consciousness flooded my dazed and jetlagged mind and I began to"
very detailed and makes me think of you actually walking etc. Very good. My advice for the first paragraph would be the first sentence. It doesn't exactly hook me, but the second and the rest do. that's good. also a con of writing so many details is that readers may have to follow reading it very closely. (do you get what i mean? lol) but it does paint a picture in mind so i think it's pretty good.
Like the two above HOW HOW HOW??
For this senence,
I thanked him and we parted ways when I retrieved my food.
I think you should revise like this:
I thanked him, and we parted ways.
Other than this and the feedback that the others gave you, I find little to criticize. Good luck in school!
Kevin
