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'first year in marching band' - USF supplement


mc52 4 / 14  
Dec 22, 2011   #1
Hello, below is my supplement for university of san francisco. Please be HARSH and critique it. Look for incorrect grammar, unecessary content, and suggestions to add/remove sentences.

Throughout my four years in high school, I can honestly say that I've learned the most about my role in social values, and diversity and inclusion in marching band. Although this might give you an impression of deviating from the prompt, it in fact reflects how I can promote the core mission of USF. Marching band is not just another extracurricular activity. It is a family. We share each other's hardships and congratulate each other on our successes. As a four year marcher, I grew into a person who not only strives to reach my goals but to also help others reach theirs as well. The feeling of helping someone achieve their goals goes beyond the gratification I receive because it's a chance to make a difference for those around me, including myself. What I envision myself accomplishing at USF is to positively shape the world, whether it is locally or internationally, by empowering others to do the same. USF's mission has already been a part of my own that I intend to carry out.

I remember my first year in marching band. The rookies were divided into sections according to instrument and were introduced to their section leaders. My section leaders were very friendly and fun. They knew how to make me feel included and when I didn't march so well, their optimistic personalities made me feel at ease, yet pushed me to try harder. The main reason I continued the following year was because of the comfortable ambience my section leaders were able to create for a group of nervous rookies. As I reached my senior year in marching band, I wanted to continue building a positive and enduring season. Though I wasn't a section leader, I still sought to guide the incoming rookies with the same authority and reassurance as my section leaders, so that they could enjoy marching band as much as I did. In doing so, I was able to gain leadership skills that boosted my confidence and intuition. Especially since I was one of the only two girls in our section, I hoped to inspire more girls to represent in a male-dominant section. I believe in the saying, "all great things have small beginnings," relating to how influential leadership lays the foundation to making the world a more humane and just world. With the intention of setting good examples, others will surely follow.

On the field, we help each other properly march and play the show music so that we can do well in competitions. However, it's not about winning the competitions for us that matters. We aim to promote group improvement and self-betterment as the essential lesson. Along the years, I've come to recognize competitions as learning and humanizing social experiences rather than competitive exercises. Privileged to work as a unity of underclassmen and upperclassmen is more rewarding than winning a trophy. After marching a show, I realize it's the feeling of weeks of hard work, collaboration, and effective communication that shines through and leaves you in peace.

So, although I'm not a Catholic, I've realized that one does not need to be religious to consider justice, morality, and humaneness to be global values. Any genuine person will grasp these values as his/her own, and honorably advocate them. I am ready to advance in life and University of San Francisco will certainly nourish me with its empowering values and start me on a path to nourish others.

winnie0603 2 / 8  
Dec 22, 2011   #2
I can honestly say that I've learned the most about my role in social values, and diversity and inclusion in marching band.
They knew how to make me feel included ---i think you could try some other word here, well its just my personal opinion
My section leaders were very friendly and funny .
I believe in the saying, "all great things have small beginnings," relating---a diction problem here---- to how influential leadership lays the foundation to make the world a more humane and just place .

I am ready to advance in life and University of San Francisco because it will certainly nourish me with its empowering values and start me on a path to nourish others.

Overall nice work, not sure what your essay limit is though, seems quite long. Good luck!


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