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UC essay "fitting in" - 'I was lost in the crowd'


trennty_09 2 / 6  
Nov 26, 2012   #1
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

This essay is for the University of California LA and it has to be 500 words or less. Please tell me if my response answers the question. I would appreciate any feedback, suggestions, critique. Be harsh when grading this essay. Let me know if i show add more content or change anything, thank you so much.

My heart began to pound against my chest as it got closer. It was the first day of school, but this time it was different. None of the kids around me spoke Spanish. Since the very first word I said until the day I arrived to this country I had taken language for granted. It stopped, tears felt out of my eyes rolling over my cheeks as to wake me up from a nightmare with no result. Its door creaked when opened, the bus had arrived.

This was it. I took first step to a new life afraid of being that same old kid who never fitted in, but there was no turning back. I was going to go to a school were everyone spoke English, except for me. As I sat on my seat I turned my head and glanced at the window, behind it I found old memories fading away as the bus began to move. A new world was ahead of me, one in which I no longer had to be that insecure kid. I finally had the opportunity to change my path.

The bus slowed down and came to a stop. I walked off the bus and through the school doors, the ones that would seal my past. Maybe I was born in Guatemala to a poor family formed by a sixteen year old mother and a twenty two year old alcoholic and later violent father and grew up next to a respiratory nebulizer for eight years to survive asthma attacks but I left that behind when I stepped on the bus.

I was lost in the crowd, I studied my surroundings, reading the signs over and over again until I saw one in Spanish telling me to go to a classroom, I followed the instructions and ended up in A201. What I found inside was difficult to digest, kids from different ethnicities and skin colors smiling at each other, some speaking to another in the same language, I wasn't the only kid afraid of not fitting in. When I got out of the class I was no longer lost, this time I had my schedule in my hand. I walked to my first period class, without knowing I was already being classified, to my teachers I was Ever, to the rest of the school I was the Hispanic kid who didn't know English. That day I went home frustrated for not fitting in, ready to hide from this new world, but I couldn't be that scared kid again, instead I grabbed a book and began to learn English.

As the years went by with the help of great friends my accent began to sound more like one of the kids who once made fun of me. As far as fitting in goes I never did. I realized I didn't need to be like everyone else.
aleckdanielle 2 / 23 6  
Nov 26, 2012   #2
I feel like the essay focused too much on the first day of school than the progression of learning English and learning that you don't have to fit in necessarily. I want to know more about that because I feel like it lacked reflection.
hazel12 1 / 1 1  
Nov 26, 2012   #3
My heart began to pound against my chest as it got closer. It was the first day of school, but this time it was different: none of the kids around me spoke Spanish . Since the very first word I said, until the day I arrived toin this country, I had taken language for granted.[<<<Honestly, I feel like this previous sentence is just awkward, so you should reword it]ItThe bussuddenly stopped, while tears feltfell out of my eyes rolling over my cheeks as to wake me up from a nightmare with no result . ItsThe door creaked when opened, and I went in . The bus had arrived.There was no turning back .

I only edited the first paragraph with a couple of suggestions to show how you can make your writing more concise and more readable.
I think you need to edit your essay a bit more; I feel it is more summary than a piece that is supposed to describe who you are.

I would suggest that you describe your first day very briefly, and proceed to talk about how it shaped you as a person.

Best of luck with your essay! :)
OP trennty_09 2 / 6  
Nov 26, 2012   #4
Thank you so much! I can't even tell you how helpful that was. :)
bigchau 5 / 16 1  
Nov 30, 2012   #5
this is a decent essay. i like how you have tried to make it oblivious, but your essay puts too much emphasis on the story itself without the part the colleges looking for, how it changed you.. just an opinion. good luck


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