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'Not fitting into a mold' - University of PennsylvaniaShort Answer


wjbaw 2 / 5  
Oct 17, 2012   #1
I would really appreciate if people would critique this. I would like you to be especially hard on it. I will read your essays if you read mine!

A Penn education provides a liberal arts and sciences foundation across multiple disciplines with a practical emphasis in one of four undergraduate schools: the College of Arts and Sciences, the School of Engineering and Applied Science, the School of Nursing, or the Wharton School.

Given the undergraduate school to which you are applying, please discuss how you will engage academically at Penn.

I do not fit into a mold; I am an articulate maverick who incessantly combats against the status quo. I am enamored by the interaction between government and the governed, but I also want to establish a strong educational foundation for children. Where am I able to immerse myself in academic bliss within a metropolis full of ranging internship and volunteer opportunities, yet have at my disposal fifty countries to broaden my perspective in?

At the University of Pennsylvania, I do not have to adapt my interests to the offerings of the College of Arts and Sciences; we are a perfect match. Within the Political Science major, I will concentrate on the sub-field of American politics. I will be able to hone my studying to American political institutions and how they interact with the American people, in addition to political communications and public policy. With this approach, I will not have to adapt to real-world situations after graduation; I will have already encountered them in the progressive learning environment faculty members utilize.

In addition, I will have the opportunity to travel to Cape Town to learn about a new culture as I study the South African political system.

Lastly, as a student of the University of Pennsylvania, I will not only be a Quaker adorned in red and blue; I will also be a Philadelphian. I will partake in the initiative to increase children's performance in school by participating in the West Philadelphia Tutoring Project.

Penn and Philadelphia have always been global leaders in innovation and progress. Because I will not be forced to fit into a mold, I will utilize my drive, talents, and spirit as I emerge on the Philadelphian political and educational scene. Together, Penn, Philadelphia, and I will move forward.
caseySchooling 5 / 22  
Oct 17, 2012   #2
The first paragraph is definitive in establishing who you are, and you have done a good job. But, the second sentence is a little awkward.

As in "Where am I able to immerse myself in academic bliss within a metropolis full of ranging internship and volunteer opportunities, yet have at my disposal fifty countries to broaden my perspective in? " changed to "Where else would I be able to immerse myself in such an academic metropolis filled with volunteer and internship opportunities, as well as have fifty countries to broaden my perspectives in? Why, the University of Pennsylvania"

The last few paragraphs are fantastic. You definitely tell why you would use University of Pennsylvania not just for its academics, but for surrounding cultural projects in Philadelphia.

The essay is well written, but some of the sentences, particularly those with an 'in addition' are awkward and need to be rephrased, particularly the third sentence of the second paragraph.

Good luck in the college application adventures. I know I am having a riveting time at it.
OP wjbaw 2 / 5  
Oct 17, 2012   #3
Thank you so much for your critique! I am definitely going to make some changes.


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