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'Fixed, brown eyes' - UC prompt 1. Edit, critiques and feedback


ryanefendy 2 / 2  
Nov 29, 2012   #1
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

I looked up and stared into a pair of fixed, brown eyes intently watching the black and white vinyl battlefield covered with pawns, queens, and kings. As my opponent began to make his move, I quickly formulated strategies to counter his attack. After an hour of silent contemplating, the board was filled with fallen soldiers used as sacrifice in order to ensure victory. Starring back at me was my beloved mentor and father, who had dedicated his whole life to a war whose finest battle was unfolding before my very eyes. The adrenaline rush when your opponent makes a move is indescribable. I took a glimpse of the board, searching for a hole in his fortress, refusing to surrender on the behalf of my courageous warriors.

I first fell in love with the game of chess when I was ten by observing my grandfather and father play. I was bewildered, but yet fascinated by the unique game. I considered my grandpa and father as five star generals, one was Genghis Khan and the other was Napoleon. I developed an enthusiasm for the game when my father asked me to play against him for the first time. I was inexperienced; I had no idea how to set up the pieces on the board. With the help of my Grandfather coordinating the pieces, I felt I was actually patrolling my troops, encouraging them to prepare for a difficult battle that lay ahead. It was a horror watching my warriors captured by my opponents and crushed helplessly.

I did not give up. I repeatedly asked for a rematch and my Father generously accepted. Within a short amount of time, I had played numerous games, but despite my efforts I could not bring a single victory to my comrades. Ever since, I promised to sharpen my skills as a general and vow to defeat my father one day. In the past years, I spent hours outside of chess club pouring over chess books, watching lessons and playing online against servers. Acquiring new knowledge about opening, middle tactics and endgame strategies, improved my game rapidly. My imagination ran wild every time I played against opponents, and pondered about the endless possibilities.

Over the years I did not just learn the game of chess, but I learned that my ambition is to become a computer engineer. Chess has brought me closer to reaching my goal by gaining the abilities of analyzing, planning and thinking ahead towards the distant future. Through finding myself in hopeless positions, down by several pieces against my opponent, I learned to continue battling and to understand when it is reasonable to admit defeat and move on. I learned to be consistent and leave no error for my opponent to capitalize. I became cautious of every move I made and learned to consider all the consequences on and off the board.

I looked back up at my opponent and scanned the board once more. Before I proceed with my final move, my father smiled as he knew exactly what my next move was. "Checkmate!" Finally after hundreds of matches, I had finally beaten him. Half of his face smiled while the other half frowned.
mhanna 3 / 7 1  
Nov 29, 2012   #2
Very nice essay! Well worded. The only thing I would say is that when you're using "my Grandfather" and "my Father", both father and grandfather don't need to be capitalized since they're not being used as proper nouns.

Please critique my Why Carnegie Mellon essay!


Home / Undergraduate / 'Fixed, brown eyes' - UC prompt 1. Edit, critiques and feedback