Hi, I am a new member of EssayForum. I am not good at writing stories.
This is my first draft for Wisconsin Madison Personal Statement.
I am hoping for good suggestions. Pls feel free to do many correction. Thank you very much!!
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
" We are going for a flat day this Saturday afternoon. Please be Chua Chu Gang at 1pm." Our form teacher, Mr Chia was telling us about the detail information about the Flag Day.
This is the 5th year after I came to Singapore. However, I still understand this small city well. The impression of Singapore remained as small, busy and indifferent. Singaporeans are rushing for everything. The speed of the elevator here is 2 times as that in China. There are elderlies selling tissue papers in MRT stations, working in 24/7 Mcdonald's, and no one shows compassion towards them while walking pass. "Flag Day is not likely to work." I told myself so.
On that day, we collected a donation box. We needed to raise fund for Thong Chai Medical Institution by asking donation from passerby. Although I did not have a positive attitude about this event, I still bravely greeted all almost every stranger walked across me, ask them for donations, since I want to try my best to help those needy people.
Even though many people suspected we may use their money for ulterior motives, after they knew we were secondary students and raising fund for Thong Chai Medical Institution, they all kindly donated to us. Just 3 hours, I collected more than 100 Singapore dollars from passerby. And my school in total collected more 5000 dollars for Thong Chai Medical Institution.
This activity not only corrected my biased opinion about Singaporeans, but also let me understand the power of making a difference in others' lives is the best gift that I could give to a community as well as the importance of trust and cooperation. Without the help of all my schoolmates, I will not be able to raise more much fund and helped so many people. From then on, I became more keen in contributing myself, either in academics or life. I am willing to use my ability to make a change in my community as well as in the University of Wisconsin-Madison. I will enrich the University of Wisconsin-Madison with my passion for serving, community involvement, my sense of cooperation.
I don't want to sound harsh, but your entire prompt completely strayed off topic. Your initial sentence was a good way to start, but the middle of the prompt strayed off topic. You went into detail about a specific event that has happened rather than discussing what you'll bring to the university. The entire prompt was centered around an anecdote, the only time you actually referred to the prompt at hand was the very last sentence. I suggest you start from scratch.
" We are going for aflatFlag day this Saturday afternoon. Please be Chua Chu Gang at 1pm."
.... I guess it's Flag and not flat ! If so, capitalize it to give more emphasis as others may have very little knowledge about it.
Our form teacher, Mr Chia was telling us about the detail information about the Flag Day.
I feel you better connect this with the previous line;
, said Mr Chia, our teacher. He kept talking to educate us with more information about Flag day.