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Flagler College 2020 Make History Essay


Aug 7, 2020   #1
Hello. This is my first college essay and I have already sent it to an English teacher who I trust but I would love some other opinions.

a single event or a single theme that defines you



Prompt: Flagler College strives to admit students who will excel and reach their full potential during their college/university experiences. Please provide an essay of at least 250 words that describes a single event or a single theme that defines your character and/or your aspirations.

Response:

It was the summer before my freshman year, and the thought of working with children never even crossed my mind before. To be frank, I did not even like children that much at the time. I had just picked up my class registration for school, and I needed one more elective. My grandparents, who have raised me since I was four, suggested to take Early Childhood Education I. Never did I think that decision, would practically change my life. I started to volunteer at an Elementary School, working with kindergarteners after school. I fell in love with children, and teaching them, seeing the spark in their eyes when they finally grasped that concept you have been trying so hard to teach them. In a way, I feel as if this was my way of trying to provide something my biological parents never gave me, love, and genuine concern for someone's well-being. After my freshman year I dove in headfirst, putting my all into the Early Childhood Education II course, earning multiple FDC certifications. That was until I was told the class would not be coming back next year. I was absolutely devastated, I've been taking this class for two years now. However, there was some good news in it. A new course, Introduction to the Teaching Profession, was taking its place. This class was a genuine blessing to me. I was able to become the First president of our Future Florida Educators of America club. This course also allowed me to go to the FFEA conference in Orlando, Florida. This conference is where I found Flagler College. However, considering lack of interest in the course, it was yet again discontinued in my school. Though I was sad, this sparked a fire in me. I already knew there was a lack of teachers in the state of Florida, and I wanted to be that change, even if I am one person. It does not take an army to make a difference in the world.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,107 3258  
Aug 8, 2020   #2
The essay is confusing to read because of the timeline reference. You are moving from past to present tense within the presentation. You need to be consistent. These events all happened previously, so change all the present tense usage to past tense references. The presentation also changes its singular theme towards the end, when you go from discussing early childhood education to focusing on the FFEA and how it helped you find Flagier College. You need to focus on the singular theme of how you developed your interest and continue to pursue your interest in Early Childhood Education. Do not change the singular theme because your character and aspirations are reflected in that discussion. Also, you should always use the first person pronoun in reference to your insights and opinions. Specifically, use the word I in reference to "... concept I (not you) have been trying ..."

This should be better formatted as well. You should present this as a 2 paragraph essay because the presentation is too compressed in the page. There should be about 125 words per paragraph, more or less, depending upon how you alter the later part of the essay in reference to the college and the FFEA. Realign that section to be connected with the first half of the discussion instead.


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