I've recently written an essay , please can any one revise it for me.
I am applying to a university and I was wondering if this essay thoroughly answers the prompt.
I would highly appreciate your suggestions to improve my essay
The prompt/ Choose an issue of importance to you the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation
In 2009, a sudden and excessive rainfall caused huge flash floods that took place in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia. The Saudi government investigation regarded the victims failing to follow the government orders, the arbitrary of neighborhood buildings; and purchasing land in unplanned areas. Indeed; this disaster should never have been allowed to happen if appropriate flood drainage system had been installed. On the other hand, the critics accused the government of their negligence and shortage of the competent city planning. The scale of this catastrophe affected a vast majority of Jeddah's citizens and their community that could last for a decade.
Jeddah floods caused a massive disaster including damage in homes, shops, warehouses, hospitals, vehicles, trees, bridges and many properties, additionally forming bodies of water that spreads many epidemics through mosquitoes. Truly, the number of damage has not been declared. The effect of casualty on the community of Jeddah has gone unrecognized by the local and the international media, despite its worth for quick exigencies. In my view, victims deserve a large amount of compensation from the government or foreign campaigns and a deep compassion.
Personally, during this crisis I volunteered in agencies committed to providing relief to victims, I aided in distributing the donated supplements of food, beverages, apparels, pillows, blankets, and home cleaning tools in boxes; then these boxes were delivered to the people in need by trucks.
Jeddah floods underlain the devastation of the infrastructure that is implemented in all the regions of Saudi Arabia; yet that what makes it most frightening because flooding can make the same or even worse damage in any other city.
Good idea about the passage! I can tell you are a very deep thinker and you feel you are responsible to your homeland from this essay. Moreover, I really appreciate your way of choosing vocabulary. But there are something I think you need to improve.
First, as far as I'm concerned, this essay should be focus on the influence that this incident has brought to you, not to only describe it but to emphasize on how you are involved in it. So instead of describing the devastation for a whole paragraph, I would recommend you to develop more details about the significance the issue is to you , which I think may be a little bit too short here.
Second, I guess you would need to improve the logic part. If I were you, I would re-construct this essay in such an order. Introducing the issue and damage (quick and brief) -> decribing what you did (volunteer to help) -> explaining what you think is the most important reason that caused much casualty and damage ( I think you ascribe it more on the derelict government, do you?) -> elaborating how this issue and your volunteer work influenced you, and what resolution you have set up due to this issue ( for example, I would say that this issue makes me realize that there are so much more to do that only living a cozy life myself. The country needs my contribution to improve the quality of life of more people. In order to achieve that, I decide to study abroad for higher quality of education, etc. ) -> Finally, your conclusion should be more than only demonstrating how terrible the flood is, add the influence on you, again.
Third, there are some trifle grammar mistakes, but I think you may prefer to focus on structure and information part before you look into grammar.
Hope this can help you a bit. :)
Jeddah floods caused a massive disaster including damages in houses , shops, warehouses, hospitals, vehicles, trees, bridges, and many other properties. Additionally, it formed bodies of water that spreads many epidemics through mosquitoes.
I think this is a bit better.
And I agree with Roxane Han in her response.
nicely done.
