While cleaning up my room, I tumbled upon a dusty box still sealed with the tape that I had used on my moving day into the residence. Surprised to find this box still unpacked, I cut it open. Inside were my neglected visual art supplies. The paintbrushes I so often toiled with during the summer now looked miserably abandoned that every molecule of them seemed to be calling for rescue from the abyss of negligence and decrepitude. I touched the balding tips of these brushes, and a few sad and dusty acrylic paint particles departed from them to embrace the world, as if eager to escape from the solitude of the box. I felt my lips curl in a bitter sense of humour as these last companies of dust took leave of the paintbrushes. Beside the brushes lay my acrylic paints. Beneath the dim light, the paint tubes twisted and lay in a manner so grotesque that they resembled a group of wounded patients deserted so thoroughly by humanity, silently decomposing under no one's sympathy. I felt sad to see such a scene of abandonment and dilapidation, yet I, as the master of these paints and brushes, never meant to abandon them. I have always wished to take a visual art course at the University of Toronto (where I am enrolled for now) and help these supplies avoid the terrible solitude, yet I could not, for my engineering curriculum is so inflexible that it leaves me no space for even one free elective throughout my four years of undergraduate studies; my curriculum is entirely dominated by the mathematics and sciences. In fact, it is the wish for a more multidisciplinary approach to engineering that have awoken my desire to transfer to XX.
Last year, like all of those finishing off the final year of their high school, I dove into my research for the perfect university and program. Different opinions on various options flied all around my school at the time, and amid this torrent of discussions I learnt about U of T's Engineering Science program. Through my research, I discovered that EngSci (Engineering Science) is one of the best and most challenging engineering programs in Canada; it is a program that gathers many students of intelligence; thus, in the hope to grow sturdy amid rigorous studies and people of talent, I decided to apply into U of T's EngSci program. In addition, back in high school I quite appreciated U of T's strict approach to engineering, and believed that only by expending all of my energy onto the typical engineering courses could I become a true and marvellous engineer. Yet reality taught me otherwise. Before long, I began to find that I desire a bit of freedom of choice from U of T's curriculum. I believe that all engineers must have an artistic side, because engineering designs often require grace and elegance; thus, I wish to switch to a curriculum that although emphasis a concentration in engineering, also enables for some studies in the arts on the side. Hence, the notion of transferring to another more liberal arts university began to take place in my mind. My goal is to transfer to an institution whose students are even more inspiring than those I have already gained much motivation and insight from at U of T, and whose engineering curriculum is more liberal, but also ensures the birth of engineers as capable as those from U of T's elite Engineering Science program.
XX fits my desire for a more flexible engineering curriculum by allowing students at least one free elective each semester. Instead of limiting every one of the courses I take in university to the department of mathematics and sciences, I wish to be given opportunities to continue my interests in visual arts and the humanities. Indeed at the University of Toronto, many a time when I wished to pick up my visual art skills during my "free" time, I would be interrupted by thoughts on math and science. Although the sciences are my favourite courses (which is why I decided to study engineering in the first place), I am uncomfortable to find my time being entirely taken up by these subject areas, and to have my artistic side dwindle from the memory of men. Take visual art, for example. Visual art is a skill that requires constant practice, and will be inevitably lost if it is not tended with regularity and care. Although U of T's EngSci consists of many traits that I value, I do not wish to have my artistic side be wiped into dust and be exiled into hundreds of years of solitude by the swirling of the engineering wind. I wish to free my paintbrushes from their miserable desolation, and release my acrylic paint tubes from their sickly conditions. XX's engineering program precisely fits my reasons and goals.
please critique on everything u can think of. txs in advance. prompt is reasons for transfering and objectives hoping to achieve
Better than a lot of transfer essays I've read on this site. You have a clear reason for wanting to transfer, one that makes a great deal of sense. Could you maybe tone down on the description of art supplies in your first and last paragraphs, though? I would normally encourage you to be very descriptive in your writing, but here it seems unnecessary and to take up more space than it has to. You always wanted to explore your artistic side, which you think is necessary to develop into a well-rounded engineer. That's great. The lengthy descriptions don't really do anything to emphasize that point; they just mean it takes the reader longer to get to it.
Oh, I disagree. I very much like the description of the lonely art supplies. This both draws the reader in and establishes your credentials as a truly imaginative person who ought to be allowed to express his or her artistic side. I do think you should edit the whole thing for concision, but I'd be very unhappy to see that part of the essay go.
I suppose one of the reasons I wasn't taken in by the description is that it is largely pathetic (in the literary sense) hyperbole. Really, the tubes of paint would be just as crumpled, if not more so, if you were using the set regularly, for instance. If you want to keep a bit of description as a hook, then at least condense it down into a single sentence or two.
