"flight to Budapest" - UC Prompt 2 HELP

Hi this is my second uc prompt and any help would be great thanks!!

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

As I board the plane I have no clue how great a journey I'm beginning. I sit in my seat at the back of the plane as if it is just another flight. Then the flight attendant came on the loud speaker and announced "British Airways flight 492 from Los Angeles to London Heathrow with a connecting flight to Budapest will be taking off shortly." That's when it hit me. I'm going to experience something special. I'm going to get a chance to play the best.

When we arrived in Budapest my team and I walked outside to find our guide waiting. He called the bus and as we boarded, we had no clue we were going to have to sit inside a toaster on wheels for two hours. While we drove our minds raced about how good and big the Hungarian water polo players were going to be. When we arrived in Eger we put our gear in our rooms and then it was off to practice. When we arrived at the pool we looked around and saw a bunch of teens who look much like ourselves. We thought "No that can't be right, they're no bigger than we are," but when we got in the pool it was a whole different story. They played up to the expectations we created for them. They played with perfect fundamentals and they swam us up and down the pool and it seemed as if they could go on forever. They always went all out because they knew if they didn't they could be kicked off the team and another player would be right there to take their spot.

As we got to know the Hungarian players I began to realize how water polo how much water polo was a part of their lives and how dedicated to the sport they truly were. I would see them working out all over town whether it was swimming in the pool or running through the park, it seemed as if they never had any rest. When they didn't have practice we would see them at the pool practicing with the ball. They were constantly pushing themselves to become the best they could be. From their level of play and their work ethic, I could see why teams from all over the world came to play against the Hungarians. After watching them, my whole outlook on water polo changed. Water polo is no longer something I have to do, it's something that I get to do.

After spending two weeks with the Hungarians, I realized how much effort and time each player had to put in to achieve their level of play. They never quit, even when they were down that only made them try harder. In my eyes that's the sign of a true champion, not the one who always wins but the one who never gives up.

There are some tense issues, either make it all past, or all present.

Until the second paragraph the reader has NO IDEA what you are talking about. You should probably mention water polo in your intro.

You sure that "Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations." is the topic?

You should probably focus on this topic. I know you talked about water polo and Hungarians, but how does that reflect on the life you come from?

Either really bring it back to your world, or change a topic.

Hope that helps.

They always went all out --- if they didn't they could be kicked off the team and another player would be right there to take their spot.

that's a lot of 'they' in the sentence
I think you should use a dash there, to emphasize the reason if they didn't go all out

please feedback mine?