So this is my last minute essay for UF undergrad. Please give the HARSHEST criticism. I won't cry. I promise.
Essay Topic:
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.
"Flight 326 departing in 10 minutes...; Flight 326 departing in 5 minutes..." This is all I hear as the airport crowd envelops me. Husbands, wives, sons, daughters, from all over the globe speaking many different languages dart from terminal to terminal as ants in a stirred nest. I sit and think to myself, "So what's next? I wonder will it be like... How could it ever compare?" As soon the high of curiosity began to dissipate, I was again swamped by grief and denial. Once again, as every other few years, I found myself ripped apart from the life I knew, and all of the bonds and friendships I've spent so long building. "Why me and Why again, I tell myself." Although not unexpected, I refuse to grasp the concept that I will never be reunited with the community that has given me the best years of my life up until now, leaving me in emotional turmoil and dismay. But deep within, shrouded by grief and misunderstanding shines a flicker of hope for what may come from this experience. In my previous moves, I have been able to gain a better understanding of culture and the benefits of diversity. I been able to meet many different people from all over the world, and immerse myself in their daily lives and culture. From Alaska to Germany, this has opened me up to new perspectives and has given me a remarkable affinity for adaption. I begin to think deeper about this and how I can try to make the best out of this situation. Despite everything I will be leaving behind, I can only move forward and continue to keep myself open to all opportunities to learn and diversify. As I sat in this bustling airport surrounded by people of every nationality, culture, and heritage I realized that it is a necessity to understand these different cultures, because this world is a very diverse place. Taking this situation in stride and embracing it will make me a more diverse and stronger person in the end.
Having the ability to adapt and a strong sense of cultural awareness is a necessity for success in our modern society. These experiences have opened me up to new perspectives and have shown me the benefits of being diverse. Diversity in students enables them to become more proactive and gives them a better understanding of others in our ever changing world. As a student, I feel that it is my duty to enrich those around me with what I've learned through living abroad, helping make me, and those around me become more open and successful.
Your first few sentences are very descriptive, and effectively paint a visual image.
The beginning, however, needs to get to the point after this, to keep the reader interested. Also this connects the beginning to your final paragraph, and allows the paper to "flow".
Although not unexpected, I refuse to grasp the concept that I will never be reunited with the community that has given me the best years of my life up until now, leaving me in emotional turmoil and dismay.
This sentence is quite long, perhaps you could split it into two shorter ones.
From Alaska to Germany
It is unclear what you mean here exactly, I assume these are different places you have lived, but I would elaborate.
has given me a remarkable affinity for adaption
has made me quite adaptable.
It seems you are an inspiration to others, as your travels have taught you a lot about the world, this essay shows your true colors.
