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"flight 931!" - UF ESSAY draft can someone revise it

mimi911 1 / -  
Oct 30, 2009   #1
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

"Last call for flight 931!" I was hoping someone would pinch me, and wake me up from this dreadful nightmare. I had no alternative but to get on that plane and go to Nicaragua. I went to school over there for two years, and so far it has been the most drastic change I had to get accustomed to. My education, language, and uniform had been altered; I felt I was an extraterrestrial lost in Earth. My mother always told me: "If life hands you lemons make lemonade," so I had to deal with it. This happened four years ago, and now that I look back at it, I am so thankful for this experience.

Living in Central America gave me the privilege to observe the hardships of others. It is not easy out there, there are children that cannot receive an education because they have to work in order to supplement their family's income. There are families that live in houses of cardboard and had nothing to eat. Approximately three kids would approach me every week asking for money. We complain about our economic situation but it is nothing compared to the poverty in Nicaragua.

When I came back to Miami I realized how fortunate I was. I had a roof to protect me, I was going to school, and I finally had my mother by my side. Somehow I wouldn't appreciate this before and all of a sudden it seemed so significant. As soon as I began school I got right on track. An essential element to be successful is to be responsible. Truth to be told I was used to leaving assignments for the last minute, but I learned that procrastination will get you no where.

* i want to start talking about my ideas of student responsibility, academic integrity and campus citizenship but how do i do it?
bmachado 5 / 23  
Oct 30, 2009   #2
Did your school or fellow students in Nicaragua have a different sense of "student responsibility, academic integrity and campus citizenship"? If so than you can compare it to America where there isn't as much of it.

I like how you start you essay but there are a few wording changes that I might suggest.

Instead of "I felt I was an extraterrestrial lost in Earth", maybe say "I felt as if I were on an alien planet."

hope that helped a bit...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 1, 2009   #3
Brandy, that is a great contribution, thanks!

Hi Maritza,
I think you did a great job of explaining that you have more APPRECIATION for what you have now. So, you are ready to make the most of the opportunity to succeed in college. That is the way to start, I think. I do agree that you should spend a few paragraphs talking about how this experience will affect the contribution you make in college. You might be thinking that you would not have appreciated college as much if you had not taken this trip.

The way to do it is to provide specific examples of ways you hope to contribute. You should be full of ideas. How much do you know about the school? Is it possible to start a club to help people in poor countries? Would you be willing to start such a club? Is humanitarian work in any way related to your intended major?

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