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'focused on my grandpa' - Michigan state


Calebtcordner 1 / 1  
Nov 8, 2011   #1
This is the essay for michigan state, If you feel that your high school record does not accurately represent your academic abilities, please explain why. Include and discuss particular extenuating circumstances that may have contributed to any scholastic challenges.

I am special because I can accomplish what ever I put my mind to. Even though my record may not show it, I am an intelligent person . My G.P.A. does not reflect my academic abilities at all. It does not show my desire to learn, nor does it gauge my skills as a student. A 3.2 is average, and I am anything but average, I am an extraordinary student. My first two years of high school my grades were low, this was due to my state of mind, and living conditions at home. My mind wasn't focused on school; it was focused on my grandpa.

Cancer is a word no body wants to hear. It's a word that hits home for everybody. In 8th grade my grandpa was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. This horrible news was devastating to my whole family. But luckily for us, he fought through all the Chemo treatments and surgeries and beat the cancer. About winter of my freshman year, my grandpa was diagnosed with cancer again, this time Pancreatic. Pancreatic cancer is one of the hardest to treat; it leaves the patient weak and helpless. Because of this my mom left home and moved in with my grandparents. She moved in with them because she believed that my grandpa needed constant supervision and needed to be taken care of. The leaving of my mom left my home in shambles, we rarely saw her and this put my home through a tough time.

For a year my grandpa fought this disease, but in the spring of my sophomore year he passed away. In the time that he was alive I wasn't focused on school. My mind was only concerned on visiting my Grandpa as much as I could. I spent as much time with him as I could, even going to his Chemo treatments just to be by his side

When junior year rolled around I had moved on from his passing. I shifted my mind to academics, focusing on my schoolwork and enrolling in challenging A.P. courses. I believe that because of that rough time I am a better student now. I know that I can work through the hard times and accomplish what ever I put my mind to.

Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Nov 8, 2011   #2
Nicely done! This essay is very well written and easy to read.

My mind wasn't focused on school; it was focused on my grandpa. It may sound better here to emphasize how you focused on grandpa, "my mind was less focused on school, and MORE (insert another word for focused) on grandpa.

She moved in with them because she believed that my grandpa needed constant supervision and needed to be taken care of. Your mother sacrificed a lot for her father... the ending of this sentence should be changed to "needed care" for example (remove "of" at the end)

The leaving of my mom left my home in shambles, we rarely saw her and this put my home through a tough time.
Try to be a little more descriptive of how your home was in "shambles." Don't forget to keep linking your story to your academics. Also you say "home" twice here.

In the time that he was alive I wasn't focused on school. This sentence could be re-worded.

The final sentence could use work, and remove "to" at the end. All in all, a great essay!
OP Calebtcordner 1 / 1  
Nov 28, 2011   #3
Thank you so much for the positive reinforcement and criticism. I have been stressing out so much.


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