Hey, I'd really appreciate it if someone could look over my essay. The bold sentence in particular I'm unsure about structurally. Thanks a lot.
Follow the Leader
There was no crash. There was no boom. There really is no onomatopoeia to describe the pitiful sound that my car made when I slid off the road into the woods. Then again, the whole incident was pitiful, so I guess the lack of a powerful description is fitting.
Last October, I was hanging out with some friends without much to do. One of them suggested we play "follow the leader." I hesitated, seeing as I had just received my license a month beforehand, but no one else could drive yet so I agreed. We flipped a coin to decide on our starting positions for the game. Appropriately, I was the follower. Finally, we piled into a couple of cars and began the game: children playing with grownup toys.
The roads were still wet from rainfall a few hours earlier, and the night was dark and hazy. Speeding down the back roads of Mountain Lakes, it was inevitable that something would go wrong. It happened suddenly. I was trying to make up ground on the leader, but I entered the turn going too fast. In Driver's Ed, my teacher taught our class a bunch of isolated facts about driving. I thought that we were just learning this irrelevant trivia so we could pass the written test. Well, it turns out that the dangers of hydroplaning are not as irrelevant as I had thought. My tires lost their grip on the slick surface, and I skidded off the road into the woods.
Thankfully, no one was hurt. In fact, there was no visible damage to the car. However, my friends and I could not push it out of the woods; the underside was stuck on top of a rock. I had to call my dad to help tow the car out, and explaining what happened was not a fun experience. Needless to say, my punishment was severe.
As a student, I have constantly listened to my teachers rant on about peer pressure, but I never really believed that it could affect me. Well, despite my immunity, peer pressure obviously led to my poor judgement on that night. I could have been a leader by setting a better example, but I chose to follow along with my friends and their game, even though I was the one who had something to lose.
Though the accident was an absolutely miserable experience, I like to believe that I took something out of it. Since then I have been a bit more responsible, especially when behind the wheel. More importantly, I have been a more active leader among my friends and in society as a whole.
sorry but i dont know how to correct that but it sounds awkward. actually the reason i commented was because something similar happened to me involving snow, driving, and a tow truck haha. we both know how that ended up
Thankfully, no one was hurt.
This is a cliche and should be removed.
The bold sentence looks good to me.
Well, it turns out that the dangers of hydroplaning are not as irrelevant as I had thought. --This sentence is really cool.
I think you should be confident in this. Sorry, I know you probably already submitted. If you work with this essay again, though, I think you should give a little more discussion about the wisdom you gained from it. be specific about the insight you gained and how it affects the way you think about other things. That is where the essay becomes unique and interesting.
