If I'd follow the path of what society thinks about ways to become successful, I would fail.

Personal statement
The question
If I followed the path of what society thinks people do to become successful, I would be a failure. I see the idea of success in a different way than society does. Society views a successful person as a rich man with many assets, while I take an extremely different approach to the subject.

This past summer as a volunteer at a local engineering company; I learned basic building structures and designs. While working on designing a building blueprint, a fellow volunteer and I got into a deep conversation about success. We debated the definition of success and my fellow volunteer, Michael, expressed that material goods constituted success. He believed that a successful person has a lot of money and luxury items. Success in my mind is not about self betterment but about contributing to the betterment of society.

A few weeks later the discussion stirred up again not only with my friend but with my teacher. We had a discussion on how the journey is more important than the destination. The materials gained from being successful are not as important as the wisdom you gain from the journey to reach that success. The average person's view of the idea of success is too idealistic, for instance individuals may think that success has to be a major destination whereas I believe that the idea of "success" must be achieved through minor goals.

Success in my mind is the idea of one person to be productive and efficient in society. Media considers having materials such as a big house, a new car, or even the latest trends as a happy or successful individual ,but it's not; a person who is successful contributes to society constructively. A man who leaves the world in a better place is recognized as a successful person. Through proper education one can learn to become a more efficient or successful person.

Please fix anything you see wrong Thanks
Review Please

Jason, we need to know what question you are being asked to address in this essay before we can make a comment or offer suggestions as to how to improve it. I can see some grammatical errors that need to be addressed but I will refrain from correcting those until I know what exactly we are dealing with here. That is because the advice I will give you regarding the changes to the paper will depend upon the question being answered. That way I or we will know how to direct the essay towards answering the prompt :-) Right now I can tell you that the essay carries two interesting topics but I am not sure which one should be better developed or chosen while the other one fades into the background. Hence the need for the essay prompt. Here's hoping you can post the instructions or prompt for us soon so that we can help you with this paper as soon as possible :-)

The prompt is Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?

That was the prompt i followed but i didnt follow it all the way if you know what i mean i wanted to make that my personal statement