Hi! I just started this essay. I think I have a good idea but I don't know if I'm on the right track. It still needs lots of editing and revising to do (I believe) but here goes my first draft. Please be completely honest!
We all exist within communities or groups of various sizes, origins, and purposes; pick one and tell us why it is important to you, and how it has shaped you. (1000 characters maximum, currently at 881)
I belong to a close-knit community that meets religiously at least once a day. I am a foodie, so at every get together, I enjoy the selection of goods; sometimes they vary from grandma's recipe of Spaghetti alla Bolognese to the classic Bolivian dish of Majadito to the Spanish saffron-seasoned paella with clams, squid and octopus. You would think with my plate full, I would start digging in, but the purpose of the sit-downs around this small round glass table stretch further than to satisfy our appetites. Every meal births/grants the opportunity to discuss and speak my mind freely. Sometimes I may sit quite on my stool, but I blossom in the occasion to reflect and forge an opinion. I introduce new ideas. I support a thesis. I participate. Sometimes the food remains untouched, or worse, grows cold, but soon my mother makes us well aware, and we briefly begin to dig in.
Opinions?
I will read yours too! :)
The question asks to pick one ,but you begin the essay with religion and then go into food. I think you should just stick to food as your subject. It's somewhat different and you are able to speak on how food shapes you culture, traditions and maybe even religion( if it does, as it can for some) but overall a good start I especially like the part where you said that meal time allows you the opportunity to express yourself freely.
Thank you for your feedback! I wasn't trying to speak about religion. I put religiously because I meant 'sacredly,' something I always do? If that makes sense... maybe I didn't choose the right word
First thing I see in this essay: Different Culture.
This is actually a very good topic to talk about.
However, I do have some criticism. First of all, "remains untouched, or worse, grows cold" does not make sense as if it remains untouched, it will grow cold in the first place.
Secondly, you did not answer the prompt fully. The admission officer understands why it is important to you. How did it shape you?
You do not say "it has taught me to become more open-minded", or "my *insert group name* has shaped me to become a more *bla* person."
I acknowledge that you participate in the group, but that is more of the purpose of the group. You have to mention something like "I used to be extremely shy and detested expressing my thought. But it all changed..." or something.
This describes what you do in the group and why it is important to you... somewhat. Despite this fact, I do not think you fully answered the prompt.
*The reason I didn't edit your response for grammar and diction/syntax was because I want you to revise it and give me a second edit.
Sorry if I'm being too blunt :/. I just like expressing my though :)
Sometimes the food remains untouched, or worse, grows cold, but soon my mother makes us well aware well aware of what? , and we briefly begin to dig in.
I agree with HarvardAccept: I don't think you really mention why your group is important and how it's shaped you.
Also this might just be me, but I'm left a little confused about who is your group. The entire community? Your family? A food club? Try making this a little more clear to your readers.
Hey whateveryournameis, hope this helps!
You would think with my plate full, I would start digging in, but the purpose of the sit-downs around this small round glass table stretch further than to satisfy our appetites. Every meal birthsgrants me the opportunity to discuss and speak my mind freely. Sometimes I may sit quitely on my stool, but I blossom in the occasion to reflect and forge an opinion.
Way better than your old response.
Hey whateveryournameis, hope this helps!
Hey thank you so much! I really appreciate all your help, especially on New Years Eve! You're awesome! My name is Bruna :) yours?
any suggestions on how to make a sentence shorter? After the revisions, I'm over with 23 characters -___-
Hi Bruna :) my name is Jack Wei C:
I enjoy a selection of goods ranging from grandma's recipe of Spaghetti alla Bolognese to the classic Bolivian dish of Majadito to the Spanish saffron-seasoned Paella with clams, squid and octopus.
That should cut down some characters.
How many characters do you need to cut down after the edit?
Hello, the essay looks good! I think you can cut "briefly" out of the last sentence! :)
