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'Football is a dumb game' - Why I am Unique Yale Transfer prompt


transfer2016 1 / 2  
Feb 26, 2012   #1
Please this is a Big risk. I don't know if I should be taking this risk? do you think I should? Help me check for grammatical errors and sentence construction.

I am unique. My mum probably knew this while she held my tiny body on her arms and gave me a unique name. Leaving my blazingly hot town in Africa only to be dropped down into the one of the freezing cities in United States, Minneapolis, I didn't see my story as any different from the antithesis of carrying a frozen chicken from the fridge straight into the steaming oil. The only difference being that one character is dead and the other character is alive.

I walk on sandals while it snows. Do not freak out, I only walk for, at most, five minutes. I have had a non-functioning wrist watch on my wrist for six months. I prefer undertaking the more energy-tasking job of digging my hand into my pocket to check the time on my cellphone.

I rap, but I never write my lyrics down. I rap best while in a shower, as those water droplets beat through my thick hair and shoulders to my entire body. I am the only freshman on my entire hall that has an old model Panasonic TV; to be precise it is a 1994 model. I would not change it because watching my favorite program, Everybody Hates Chris, on a rainy screen thrills me.

I am not moved by latest trends. This is the reason I have an iPod shuffle despite temptations to get iPad 2. Using old things have made me different from others. Most of the time, it has been the only factor that sets me apart. I am rarely dehydrated-It reminds me of those days I had to run 5 miles only for my coach to tell me they were warm ups-It is not because I drink water a lot, the paradox is that aside the water in my meals I don't take more than one liter of water daily. I love to have a holistic experience about anything: on my first snow fall, while others sled and made angels and snow balls, I included tasting the snow to my list of fun. I love playing FIFA videogame, but I only play it once in a fortnight. Just three days ago I broke my own personal record by playing FIFA for five straight hours. I was stunned the first day I experienced day light savings because I discovered that my laptop clock gained an hour. Thinking it was a virus, I crammed through Google looking for a powerful antivirus capable of challenging the computer toxin that had crept into my laptop. It was until my roommate explained the meaning of day light savings did I realize my weirdness.

Could I be strange for seeing football as a dumb game? I didn't understand why on earth people could be smashing each other's faces and trying to hit people down. When I heard that there were quarterback and full back and halfback, I asked in response, "what of the double-back?" I got the response I needed, a knock on my head.

dreamer 3 / 18  
Feb 26, 2012   #2
Hi!
Here are my comments/suggestions:

... my tiny body on her arms and ... It should be IN her arms. :)

Leaving my blazingly hot town in Africa only to be dropped down into the one of the freezing cities in United States... This part sounds a little awkward. Maybe you could change it to "blazing hot town in Africa" and "thrust into one of the coldest cities"

I am rarely dehydrated-It reminds me of those days I had to run 5 miles only for my coach to tell me they were warm ups-It is not because I drink water a lot, ...

This sentence is a little long. Maybe you could break it up?

Could I be strange for seeing football as a dumb game?
Although this sounds like a perfectly honest opinion, I think you could make it sound a little less harsh. Maybe something like "Football never thrilled me."

I also think this is a good essay in general because of the content - it seems personal. Just maybe work on your grammar and sentence structure. Some of them seem a little long.

:)

Hope this helped!
OP transfer2016 1 / 2  
Feb 26, 2012   #3
Thanks Hema. I corrected a few sentences. Check the revised essay.
I am unique. My mum hardly knew she was prescient when she held my tiny body in her arms and gave me a unique name.

Leaving my scorching hot town in Africa to be thrust into one of the freezing cities in United States, Minneapolis, I didn't see my story as any different from the antithesis of moving a frozen chicken from a fridge straight into steaming oil. The only difference is that one character is dead, and the other is alive.

I walk on sandals while it snows. Do not freak out for I only walk for, at most, five minutes.
I have worn a non-functioning wrist watch for five months. I prefer undertaking the more energy-tasking job of digging my hand into my pocket to check the time on my cellphone.

I rap, but I never write my lyrics down. I rap best while in a shower, as those water droplets beat through my thick hair and shoulders to my entire body.

I am the only freshman on my entire hall that has an old model Panasonic TV; to be precise it is a 1994 model. I would not change it because watching my favorite program, Everybody Hates Chris, on a fuzzy screen thrills me.

I am not moved by latest trends. This is the reason I have an iPod shuffle despite temptations to get iPad 2. Using old things have made me different from others. Most of the time, it has been the only factor that sets me apart.

I am rarely dehydrated; it is not that I drink water very much. The paradox is that aside the water in my meals, I don't take more than one liter of water daily.

I love to have a holistic experience about anything: on my first snow fall, while others sled and made angels and snow balls, I included tasting the snow to my list of fun.

I love playing FIFA videogame, but I only play it fortnightly. Just three days ago I broke my own personal record by playing FIFA for five straight hours.

I was stunned the first day I experienced day light savings, as I discovered that my laptop clock gained an hour. Thinking it was a virus, I crammed through Google in search of a powerful antivirus capable of challenging the computer toxin that crept into my laptop. It was until my roommate explained the meaning of day light savings did I realize my weirdness.

When I first came to the U.S., football never thrilled me. I was startled seeing footballers smash one another's faces and try to hit one another down. Hearing that there were quarterback, full back and halfback, I asked in response, "what of the double-back?" I got the reply I needed, a knock on my head.
carolinecong 1 / 1  
Feb 27, 2012   #4
I think your points are a bit disperse, making me hard to get the feeling of "unique" rather than "weird". I suggest emphasizing unique qualities on you which can also present your merits. Hope this could help:)


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