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"How football in high school was an experience for me" - UF Admissions Essay 2010


Richy 1 / -  
Oct 22, 2010   #1
I'm having a little bit of trouble with my essay, especially the last portion of the topic and how to incorporate it. The deadline is soon and I'd appreciate all the criticism. Don't hold back, also I'd like to thank everyone in advance for their help and input. (Please have in mind that I'm not quite finished and this is a rough draft.)

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community.You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

Click, clack, click, clack, click, clack. This was the sound of metal cleats stampeding on the cement to the practice field. The temperature outside was scorching; the humidity, suffocating. Everyone was drenched in sweat and that was prior to the start of practice; warm ups never the less. This was a typical occurrence to the beginning of practice. Joining the football team freshman year was expediently the greatest thing I did in high school. Consequently, I played for three years and cherished every day of it. Playing football taught me several lessons and instilled numerous values into me.

A majority of personal growth occurred in the conditioning drills and practice sessions. For instance, when we ran wind sprints at the end of an extensive practice, I was forced to work through the fatigue and finish, despite the numbing feeling that permeated throughout my thighs. Perseverance was not an option, it was a requirement as well as discipline and responsibility. Playing defense all three years indubitably elevated my level of discipline and responsibility.For example, the defensive plays that were schemed by the coaches had assignments specifically for each player. In practice, if I were to misjudge a play and make a mistake, then I would be held accountable for the outcome.

Not only did I perform on the field, but also in the community and the classroom academically. Attending church services and volunteering was mandatory to remain on the team. For instance, this past year all the players participated in a car wash to raise money for the school and a percentage was donated to the Invisible Children Foundation. Thus, giving back and assisting others is something I can contribute to the University of Florida campus.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,339 129  
Oct 26, 2010   #2
Everyone was drenched in sweat, and that was prior to the start of practice during warmups. never the less . I don't think nevertheless fits here...

This was a typical occurrence to the beginning of practice. Joining the football team freshman year was expediently the greatest thing I did in high school. Consequently, I played for three years and cherished every day of it. Playing football taught me several lessons and instilled numerous values into me.

A majority of personal growth occurred in the conditioning drills and practice sessions.----well, what do you mean here. A majority of ALL your personal growth occurred during drills and sessions? I don't think that seems right.

Okay, but anyway, this is very high quality writing! You did great with it, but conceptually it is simplistic. I learned a lot from football, and I also volunteered. It is simple. So... try this:

I think you should make a list of all the ideas covered in the essay.

Look at the list, and see if any inspired sentences come to mind to express any of the ideas. Remember, "Show, don't tell." Use action verbs and imagery words. See if you can write some sentences that might surprise the reader. And maybe you will think of a great way to express a deep insight you gained from either helping others or playing football.


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